I decided I needed to treasure this. Because not often does one cry for someone they love. Not even that, when one cries just because they love someone so deeply.
Like I do now.
I am crying my heart out seeing you show the first signs of becoming a man.
All of 7 years old, you tried to teach me a lesson in compromise. And it moved me to see the burden you took upon yourself to be able to do it.
In your own awkward way, which perfectly suits our awkward family, you told me that it is better to get back into the bedroom rather than walk out. And I listened. Because I knew that you knew. And I knew this is about the first time that you were clear that the games you played so far were just that. Games. Here and now, you realize there is a larger world. A world with consequences for things done or not done. A world where bad things can happen. Maybe you simply feared that your two year old brother wouldn't get the care that he needed. Something clicked your eyes.
And when that happened, something broke inside me. I never thought of this before but this was always one of my tenets when it comes to kids. They should be raised without tarnish. They should not have to bear scars and greases just because they were just born to a bad family. That should be the bad family's problem. Not the kids' problem.
So when the bad family happened to be mine. And when the kid was someone so special as you. There was nothing I would not do if that meant you were raised with the absolute certainty of stability and a home that doesn't falter.
Yes, that meant that I stayed when any stubborn man would have walked away. No, I stayed when even a reasonable man would have found it hard to navigate the complexities and the inevitable friction that comes with deep human connections. I know the strength it takes to choose to remain, to build something lasting when the easier path might be to simply turn away. I can walk out. Here now and forever. Never to return. I know I have the resources. And God knows it is not a shortage of courage.
In fact, the amount of courage it takes to stay back, being who I am and who I am really deep down, that is staggering. I know, I had to generate that courage. Because you know, I needed to stay back. For you.
Because I love you. Not for some sake of duty or for society. And not for other people. No, if it was about anything else at all apart from the love between you and me, I would have walked away.
I have photos to prove it you know. I remember sitting in the quiet of the morning, overwhelmed by the sheer weight of that love and the responsibility of it. It’s a heavy thing to carry, but it’s the most meaningful work I’ve ever done.
No. There was a time. You were hardly two years old. You were going away for only a week. And I swear, I knew that you knew that we were at real risk of being separated. Even if only as an instinct, as a possibility. Like the fear of abandonment, of being separated from your family, even if you are just going to school even when you know it's only a short time.
And that day, I cried right there, on the 7th floor balcony of the apartment we lived back then. I don't really remember what the problem was. Definitely don't remember how we got over it in the end. Don't care who was at fault, not now, not even then I think.
But I remember one thing. That I cried for you that cloudy afternoon. I sobbed like I never cried before then, tears flowing like water from a leaking tap all over the dark circles and cheeks. Wailing really. Nose blocked with water and I had to clean it up several times that week. It was a bad week.
But I also remember that I did not walk away. I stayed back. Which brings us to today.
Here I am. Staying back. For you. Because I love you much more than any situation can hurt me. And I am sure there will be larger problems. And there is such a thing as people getting worse as they grow older. Hopefully that's an exception but we weren't so lucky so far. Anyways, that doesn't matter. However bad the people and however large the problem. I don't give a fuck. We are growing up and growing old together. As a dad and his son should. As a dad and his two sons should. And for that alone, I will stay back.
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