Give Up

You win some, you lose some. You try to win more than lose. You can fight hard for that and you try to improve yourself, it helps to have a target. But when the only thing in mind is beating the opposition without regard to the fight in itself, without appreciating the virtues of the game or work, when the target is to get ahead of someone irrespective of where you want to be, it is time to retrospect what it is that you set out to be and what has been happening since.

So, you don’t persist on some fights all together, you let them go. Because it is you who have to decide whether it is worth the effort and time. There may be better things to fight for, better things to slug out than straining over some battles you consider inconsequential,  just because you are compelled to by circumstances, or agonized  and enraged by some people. You don’t throw stones in mud, because you may have wars worth fighting, waiting ahead.

It takes some courage to do that – to give up – when people are watching and waiting to see you complete what you started. As if these people own a part of your battle and they are entitled to see you bleed and sweat over things irrespective of the worth of whole thing to you. They laugh at you when you fall, they do cheer when you succeed, but they are disappointed when you call it off, and they want to see you fight back, because they are invested in your efforts and struggle, irrespective of the results. These people, you can forgive, but don’t forget.

So, I run my own race, keep my own score, independent of the world around – at least I try. I change, to sync my goals to the changing circumstances and make situations compatible with my to-do thing. But I can’t let time and people change the goal posts, because fuck them both.

Time will heal - for now

‘Time will no longer heal.’ Yes, that maybe the a news headline one day and it may be sufficiently clear to everyone involved to quit depending on time for all the healing they need. But until that time, I will continue assuming that it works. I have not only heard many fools say this, which should be proof enough, but I have firsthand experience now.

I have gone through rough and slow times, seen my best people drown in sorrows, where hope was not to be seen and the tunnel seemed a bit too long to endure.

But there was this light, at least which I can see. And now my beliefs have came true, confirming what I knew from start, that the light is inevitably there (in most cases at least), the question simply is how far away. In fact as it turns out, it doesn’t take an awful lot of time to heal either. The light isn’t that far away (if you don’t pay too much attention to time, that is). Rear mirrors on vehicles come with great wisdom - ‘Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear’ – and you are not charged a penny extra for this piece of awesomeness.

Stuff - May 2015

There are some things which, if you think of them as a chore, its ok not to do. Like bathing, isn't it just a bit overrated? Yes, hygiene, yes. But, how life threatening dirty can one get to be in a couple of days. So, not taking a bath is all right. You can't force a bath, you can't push it, because you don't need to. It has to come to you. And it did come to me-twice this last week or so..

Was talking about Gujarat riots the other day and people think it is ok that a thousand innocent Muslims were killed as revenge against killers of 60 priests. I can’t even digest the fact that these people are well educated, well meaning persons.

Communism vs. capitalism.. One more thing added to the list of things I'd want to write a very concise yet comprehensive analysis of. Such a complicated and equally important debate that. Just like the topic - practical uses of philosophy.

Ah, the pain, in my heart.. (my rhetorical heart). Where does this come from? What is missing here and can I ever fill it up. I am one of everyone else, trying to get by to the shore. Taking help and helping along. Sometimes, I just ask myself - 'what exactly is the fucking point dude'. The answer invariably involves the question 'what else is there?' (Not a rhetorical question either)

Time will no longer heal.

Stuff - April 2015

Is life ever a destination? I always used to think that the journey is important not the destiny. Fuck no, that only works if you think death is a destination, otherwise it is just the journey until the end with a few landmarks on the way to measure the distance.

I see people who are so insecure about their lives, girls working in BPOs, college kids who don't know shit, walking around on roads. They are so confident while crossing. They do not care that it is a green signal and the vehicles are in a hurry. Everyone has to stop because they are too busy to be careful, to stand a minute in the pollution for the red, no. I have friends who have dogs with better sense. I am shit scared of crossing even a small lane.  I’d rather be on a vehicle than under it, thank you.

Death metal is the real deal man. Apparently, there is a song titled 'Cumming blood' or something to that effect, by none other than the ever-likeable cannibal corpse. Not saying it is weird. To the contrary, my contention is - anyone who can listen to that stuff, understand it, appreciate it and listen again has the mental capacity to achieve great things in life.. aaaand is probably high.

If you can work for a full day in office, get back home and have the intention of reading for 3 hours, it is not commitment and focus. It is the fear of writing the fucking exam the second time next year. It is fear, my friend. Apparently, I do not have enough of it.

If I failed the most important exam of my life - twice - because of random shit luck, I don't know if I could have handled it. I probably would have handled it, but I am not sure. I don't know because I never failed at anything really (yeah, I am boring). But my best friend did. She failed THE exam. Yet, she handled it as if it was a joke. She stood strong and shrugged it off like some dust on the collar. That is the real deal.

I live in a flat now with flat mates. They are so cool - no one shows their face except on an odd unlucky weekend. I could not have asked for a better deal. But the laundry is a problem every week. Couldn't they make formal clothes that work for a couple of months without maintenance.. like a bike or something.

So much for the being alive. I wish someone just made a food pill – you pop it in once in the morning and you are good until tomorrow. Some people live to eat. I confess doing that sometimes – some foods are to die for really (even with the guilt of killing animals). But many times, it really is a chore.

Vegetarianism is very interesting. If you remove the dogma of religious or cultural influence, it still makes sense. Maybe we do not have the right to cause such terrible pain to an animal after all. I am not bothered about killing an animal, which was farmed essentially to be killed. The real issue is the way these animals get treated while alive. Someday, I will have enough courage to give up eating meat. I mean, if I do not have the option of a food pill, you don’t expect me to suffer eating vegetables all the time! I would be in more pain than the animals, just inhuman.

And FC Barcelona is looking good, again \^^/. I am so mesmerized by Messi, every time he plays these days. 

Stuff - March 2015

What if the alarm ring tone adapts to be the background music of the dream.. You wake up in the afternoon, that’s what happens.

Was surprised to find that Lonavala has a dedicated market for Chikki..Yes, people consume enough Chikki to sustain a whole supply system..

I don't know a better way of laying low and relaxing than taking out the 'To kill a mockingbird' and reading a couple of pages. Especially when you have read it all a couple of times already.. It gets better with the amount of time spent on it.. Kind of like old wine.

For all my enthusiasm to become a philosopher, I can't understand what in the hell Kant proposes.. The ideas are so abstract that it hurts. I guess it's just one more bridge to cross.

Was arguing with a buddy when he accused someone on personal level, behind the persons back obviously (he doesn’t have the guts), based on nothing really, because he doesn't like interacting with her on other grounds. I called bullshit on him even though I don't like that person myself. You can express your opinions whenever you have reasonable basis to support your ground. It’s something to be in conflict with someone, but no one has a right to make baseless judgments about someone’s personal lives. Just not acceptable. That guy is a little less of a buddy to me now.

The amount on nuisance created by biased opinions based on false concepts of ideals, sentiments, culture, patriotism, religion, morals, fashion, social media is mind-blowing. The problem is that it is so hard to make people see over all the smoke of emotional investment made into their beliefs.. As it turns out, it’s better to laugh it off than teach a donkey to write, unless of course the donkey already came to know to read.

‘Whiplash’ – What a movie. This is why I was disappointed in our own ‘Rockstar’. It didn’t have a JK Simmons and nothing much except AR Rehman. At the end of the day, it was a mere teen with a love story. The heroin doesn’t die soon enough.

Running out of years

I am improving. I am like running inventory; new stuff comes in and washes over the old one every couple of months. I learn new things. The old me, me a few months old, was a joke, an impressionist, a learner, a trial or error phase, a dreamer, a work in progress. Unsurprisingly, the present me is the same. A bit improved nonetheless. And the future me isn't going to be a finished product either. I hope not. I hope to have something to aspire to until I die. Or I will die soon.

In this cycle, I've lost count of all the new years passing through me, all the birthday wishes I couldn't care less about, all the pages in the calendar torn away. They matter only when I need to use them as an excuse to party like an animal or lament all my losses lamely, or to recollect and keep track of the near past, count my gains and write-off the losses.

It was a big year, I wonder, every year from now on had better be a big one. I got the break I wanted, my brother got married whether he wanted or not, my parents are satisfied – temporarily. People left, new ones came. And I, at last, came into my groove. The past few months, things are looking up, I am getting productive, less distracted, caring less about people whom I shouldn't have noticed in the first place. News is, my philosophy is not a beta version anymore, I've passed the pilot phase.  Now I have a functional philosophy, with which I can get things done. I have the reasoning now to justify my actions and the confidence not to feel the need to justify. I can deal with stuff now. I am not afraid to fail. I will try different things, I will fall. I have the confidence now to get up and try again without being weary at staring eyes. Or that is the idea at least. 

I am learning to live, despite all the warnings, I will continue to do so. Existentialism happened, just like Objectivity happened, Atheism was a distant basic and many phases passed by. If I am not questioning something these days, I am probably not bothered about it. Who knows where this exploration will leave me when the dust settles. Again, I hope it never settles.

Judging People

We live in a democracy. A democracy is the height of judgment. We give politicians the power to cheat and rule. We decide which politicians deserve this power and then talk about on how and why they did so. All based on half knowledge, smart guesses at best. So to start off; let’s remember that we accept this as a standard (and in fact advocate democracy and governments). We believe in right of majorities and most people who are not well educated think that socialism is the best form of government. One cousin of mine went so far as to say that we need monarchs to control us. And he has a master’s degree. This isn’t a very uncommon notion in our society. Our society, as it stands, strongly believes that majorities (and elected monarchs) should have the right to decide how the minorities live (unless you are a minority, in which case you want the minority to rule over the majority). Individual preferences and circumstances be damned.

The above isn’t my point. I strongly believe that the ideas in the above para are not ideal. But I had to mention the above example of what people accept as normal in our (messed up) society so that those who get offended when they think they are judged and commented on check where they stand.

I am the last one to judge someone without substantial information. I strongly oppose decisions and actions based on half-information or on information which cannot be reasonably assumed.

Problem is, it isn’t black and white. No one has a right never to be offended. As Ricky Gevais famously says, it depends on the joke. In this case, the facts of the case and the comment. And what the ultimate objective, or point made in the judgment thereof, is. When someone expresses an opinion which is reasonable and based on facts, one need not necessarily be offended. If a non-religious person says that a person is immoral or ignorant or idiotic simply based on the fact he is a Hindu or Christian, believes in a God etc., it is offensive, accepted. That is not the same as saying that ‘Hinduism/ Christianity are not very much logically consistent’. This is at the core of what I am trying to put out here.

If a first person says to me that I am bald. I say, yes of course. If some second stranger says that I don’t look handsome without any hair on my head; I say ‘maybe not, not that it is any of your business, Asshole’. Even though I don’t like talking to strangers, I get where he is coming from. But if som third guy comes up and shouts outright that I am ugly, then I have a case to get offended and justifiably look for some sort of recourse. The first statement is a fact (a pretty grounded one at that). The second statement is an opinion, but a neutral person can understand that it is not outrageous even if I am personally not totally comfortable with the idea. Being a person who is somewhat self-aware, I don’t mind being called out on not being the sexiest guy alive. If I am not mistaken, most bald men know that this is the case with them too. So, it is a reasonable statement. Even if it not a scientifically accurate statement which can be proven without objections, I don’t get to be offended. The other person is just expressing an opinion which is reasonable and justifiable before a jury of reasonable people. The third statement (calling me ugly) is simply uncalled for. The word ugly is quite subjective in the first place and even if I am not handsome, I am certainly bearable in terms of looks. So is your average man who happened to be bald. I know it’s a very fine line and sometimes easily neglected but it is there nevertheless. The way to express that comment, and the need or the trigger for it matters.

I can’t just keep shouting curses and commenting at someone even if I know them to be true when they are not my business and do not affect my world. That case is a problem. But if I have reasonable cause to express an opinion and then do it such that I merely am expressing myself rather than create a fuss around it, that should be fine.

For instance, if a guy is failing an exam since four attempts (four years). And let’s say that exam is his only target off late and yet he isn’t making much progress. How many attempts can he justify failing hopelessly even with many mental and personal problems (assuming he has reasonable family and financial conditions to pursue the education)? And if I express my doubt that just maybe, he isn’t suited to the course, or maybe he is too unstable to sustain the strain, does that amount to bad judgment? Can I call him out and say that he should be doing a better job and that he disappointed up until this point, or that he is simply distracted/ lazy and can he get his act together, please?  Where do my comments or opinions stop being reasonable statements based on facts and start being ‘ugly’ offensive? Surely, calling him ‘loser’ is offensive, right, because he may be very good at something else but stuck with this exam? What if this guy has been my friend for long and is nagging a lot of times about how it is tough being him, without taking any action about the situation? Do I still not get to say anything that touches his sensibilities? What if I know that he choose to write this exam and he is intelligent enough to pass it out before four attempts if he put his concentration on it?

All decisions (and hence actions) a man takes are based on what he does or doesn’t believe (principles). If a person didn’t work on his reasoning and principles when he had a choice, he will end up believing what others tell you to. I worked my ass off to be wherever I am, both on principles and on my knowledge. Many guys I know succeeded because they worked. And everyone is where they are solely because of the work they did on themselves (at least in case of normal childhood and no disabilities). Now if a person’s life is messed-up, then that is the reality of the matter. The reason is probably with that guy, and what he did when he had the chance to build his life. Consequently his standards, which are a reflection of his belief systems, are going to be below par because he may not even know that standards matter.

He don’t get to feel sensitive when I look at world around me based on my standards and say that his standards are low comparatively. Just like it isn’t my problem if he brought himself to be in this position, it shouldn’t be my problem that he gets offended as a direct consequence me saying what seems to be reasonably the case (only when I have to, mind you). Maybe you can prove that his standards are a lot higher than what I think of them and make me eat my words and I will accept that I had wrong information, in which case you still don’t get to be offended because I spoke the truth as I knew it then.

Matter of fact is that most people who do not want to be offended by being called out on their actions/ decisions/ failures are invariably people trying to manage their anxiety and weakness of character simply by avoiding those sensitive topics. They made mistakes in their lives which they don‘t want to look back on. They are not interested in untangling the mess, and hence lock them up, as skeletons in a closet. Even when a mistake is not theirs, they are still guilty because they only choose to lock it in their closet instead of dealing with it. As these skeletons are accumulated in the closet, it becomes too much to even think about its existence. And they are scared to death at the prospect of remembering that it exists. They would rather die with it than open it. So they expect others to shut up about these glaring issues so that they don’t have to face their insecurity. Simply put, they use others to manage themselves and expect others to comply willingly. In other words, they want others to hide their opinions and lie (or not speak the truth) in order to satisfy their inferior motives.

For one thing, no one has a right to demand me to lie or not express myself as long as I am reasonable. Secondy, We live among other people. We are all influenced by and influence the circle of people around us. As such, I have a right not to have negative influences brought out by some others. If we know each other and if you express directly or by actions that you are having a tough time, that you are fighting all sorts of financial and personal issues, that the world is rough and you failed because you don’t have a choice, I get to say ‘Aren’t you the main reason it is tough for you? Is it that hard to figure? You didn’t educate yourself when you had the chance, you got influenced by the wrong people by your free will, you did many things wrong when you had the chance to do it right, didn’t you?’

I will even put blame on your parents for not teaching you to teach yourself. I am well within my rights to say all that simply because you are a part of my world and I want it to be better than that. So you have to improve, or at least face the mistakes you made and connect with that reality. The only other option is that I will stop connecting with you even without my conscious effort. Whatever may be the outcome of the situation, there is no case for anyone to get offended/ hurt/ insulted whatsoever by my statements as long as my they are grounded in facts of situation. It is not necessary that I walk in your shoes or that I write your biography. But you may say that the reality is that that person is in fact hurt despite all the above ‘theory’. Then I will say that it is his problem to deal with, another small bone to add to the skeletons, and he alone is responsible for it.

Of Secret Santas and Cancelled tours.

What is it that we gain by giving something? Why is it that we feel happy when someone else is happy with something we give. I need to study this more. Secret Santa happened. I dealt with it. I wasn't against it. It was not religious; it was like an excuse for celebration, like a birthday or a new year. Anyways, anything to break the routine I guess.

Goa – The beach and the booze. How much I need it. We had a good plan to go, Goa and gone. But there was a problem. I was the only one in for the gone part. The others were not interesting enough. My mind has a very 'pure' idea of Goa. I couldn't pollute it by associating it with people who can't do enough, can't take a different path or walk a bit crooked for the heck of it. People think they can decide right or wrong based on what they were told in schools and at home. I'd rather stay home than tolerate that. Backed out of it. Tour cancelled.

Suicide

My favourite football club, FCB, is playing like shit these days. Nolan's Interstellar is not the biggest hit ever. I ate too much and the toilets in this train smell. See, I have my problems. Doesn't mean I am going to end my life. I will fight against all such odds, but too much cold is the limit, this winter had better be nice. Anyways, why not. What is so wrong with suicide? Let me play the devil's advocate, thanks for the claps.

No, I am not totally insane (only selectively). I know that suicide is stupid. And that is the major reason you shouldn't commit it. Although it's your wish to whether die or not (depending on how much you love your loved ones), it is pretty dumb. After all, there is nothing else out of this. This is the only time you will not be a stone or dirt or any other form of matter. You are alive, able to move by all by your free will. That is awesome enough. Really, life is all the inspiration we need to live (apart from some music and beer) and you really are dumb if you want to give up this cool thing going on for you. The only thing worse than a man killing himself would be a man killing himself believing that he will live in some other form or shape after that.

Now that I have said that and ensured that I will not be considered a psycho with an agenda for suicide, I will fine-tune the topic a bit. Let us consider - what could be a valid reason to consider ending it all? I know, let's just put it out there. Losing everything like money, friends & family may not be valid. Something horrible happening, like a murder or such of your closest people, all your life's achievements taken away, your trust broken in the worst possible way. If you didn't do anything your whole life, didn't have the courage to face hardship, didn't have anything to start with and the same story of billions. No. All the more reason to stay and change it. What you lost is sunk cost and all the sadness and weeping aside, you can do nothing about it but live and try to achieve more of it later. That would be the best-case scenario. At the very least, you can make the most of the misery by laughing at it all (Bukowski?) Therefore, in most cases, there is no excuse for suicide if you are rational.

I am not talking of laws and morals here. Our laws are the reason some people believe dictatorship is better than democracy (Yes, such people exist). Laws should not matter as long as you aren't hurting someone else and morals don't apply if you are alone in a jungle. If you are considering suicide, that is where you are for all practical purposes.

We live towards a goal, happiness mostly (which popularly means money). Some live towards sacrifice and achievement. It is also a combination. Similarly for me. The fact that I am doing something, enjoying myself while I am around, meaning something to someone else. These things keep me going. But for how long. Let's say I peak, live happily and all that stuff for a long time. But, there will be a point when I am old, when all that I am going to achieve is already achieved by me or I fucked up and missed it in the quest. Let's say I am not really enjoying myself either, what with all the fucked-up aches in my body at old age, and I may or may not have anyone around I'd like to take care of either. At that stage, I am not going to get any younger or better and importantly, I will not have anything to look forward to except bedtime with diseases and struggle against time for the sake of it. In this case, what should I prefer? Should I stay because it sets a bad example? Because it is against the law? Because it makes less of my legacy? Because it is immoral? Tell you what, I don't give a shit about what others think or do after I am dead (not that I care too much now either). And any law out there is just someone else's opinion as long as I don't hurt anyone else. As I say, I don't care about opinions (especially opinions of groups). If it comes to that, if I happen to be at that cross road, I will simply die knowing that I am happy at that moment. That I lived well, through good and bad, and I came out happy. What else can a man ask for? That would be a good end to my life. I will choose not to go through the pain of slow death and helplessness of old age and loneliness of being all by myself. If things are good even without me, I guess my time would be up. The party will be over and it will be time to sleep. Why would I live when there is nothing left for me?

I would rather be dust than endure pain for the sake of living.

I do not like stereotypes.

Ps: I still maintain that a person wanting to die should have a right to do so in any scenario. However dumb it may be on his part, it is his decision. If he can't bring his own light to the darkness, no one can on his behalf. At least not when he isn't bothered about the light

Mere Bhai Ki Shaadi

Oh the pain. Not the physical, but the mental. And the physical too.

I love my brother. So do my parents. He is sometimes a riddle, not to be solved. Many times, he is an open book, nothing to solve. Its hard to figure out what his current condition is. He didn’t have his way with his life, or he did, whichever way you want to look at it. He was a merit student, and then he got a good job. However, it was just not the job that he wanted. So, he took the high way and tried his hand. He went all in. Fate called. He lost. We all paid, smiling. Then he smiled at fate, came back home and started at ground zero again. Never complaining.

He got married last month. And I did not care much for it. But my brother was in again. So I did not mind. Now, marriage is shitty business. Because you got to deal with a lot of shitty people. And you got to deal with them for a proper two months. I didn’t have the time. I could take part of the burden only for a couple of weeks or less. So my parents bore it on their aging shoulders. I didn’t have a choice but to watch them struggle when I couldn’t help. When I could, I tried my best to give them some sort of support. As is always the case, it just wasn’t enough. And they were anyways not willing to walk with a walking stick. No, not yet. So, we all struggled, facing insults from people not worth looking at. We fed the whole lot and got it done with. We had some memorable times and enjoyed some of it while it lasted. The marriage was not a disaster. That said, we were relieved more than anything else once it was over. All of us, including my brother.  We learn a lot about people when we need them. Because they cannot conceal anymore. They either show up & help, or they do not. Either ways, you know their true value. And we learnt a lot about people that one week of my brothers marriage. Maybe the hard way, but hey, we are wiser for it now. The only problem left now is that of my brothers. He must become a married man. To bear the weight of knowing that someone is waiting at home for him, so he better not be too late. He needs to keep that job because he will need the goddamn money now.

Every commitment is a little of your independence reduced. Irrespective of whether the commitment is wilful or forced. That is a harsh way to put it, but that is simply a fact, stripped of all words like emotions, family, love and sacrifice. They exist and I am not exception. But irrespective of me or anyone else, it is a fact that, to promise a second of your life to someone else – as much as it is a necessity to live a complete life – is to have a second less to pursue your selfish goals, hence a little less of independence. So those people better be worth the little pieces of you that you are buying them with..

Relocation

I am used to having people around me who complain, who are dissatisfied, regretting decisions and wanting change. Not many, but enough. If I used to come across as one of those kinds, I am not anymore!

After an eternity of wait, I do have a job in the domain that I want. A first step of sorts in the journey that I wanted to start on since long, even if a bit late. So, I’m quite happy if you haven’t noticed it yet. The job involves relocation to Pune from Hyderabad without much in terms of compensation for the same. The overall income did not change significantly either, considering everything. Which I am fine with. I was willing to agree to a lot lesser or worse. I just needed this job badly. But my employers being the professionals they are didn’t even try to short hand me. The offer was fair and accepted without much resistance on my part. I rarely find myself complimenting organizations but I must this time. This organization is really good. It is as good as it claims to be in its websites and policies. People here are actually worth taking the time out to find out more about. Many people here are above or equal to me in terms of intelligence and experience. It usually is not the case where I come from. I don’t need to inspire and look around for company here but live up to the standards already set. Motivations are right in front of me just in case I needed any. I am looking forward to growing. That is not usually my experience.

My family had trouble understanding the job change at the beginning. I mean I could have had a job with a great hike in pay if I didn’t shift the domain. Even at the same place with even better conditions. But you can’t have it all. You always make a choice. And I made mine long back, so I simply followed up. Then again, my family consists of my brother –who has gone through hell just to try his hand at what he believed (And returned with fire on his back), and my parents who know enough about me to trust me blindly. Therefore, there was not friction as much as sadness about my departure. Mainly because I never left home for long periods before. But even that was not for long because there was a circus called marriage in our house for two whole months until the day before I left. My brothers marriage was nothing short of hell for the family, except of course my brother. His troubles start where ours end.

I am at a new place with new faces and new work. That is another part of my excitement. I get to be alone and adapt to new environment. I get to concentrate on my new job. Work on my passions and goals rather than spend time the usual ways. I anticipate productive change. Pune is a good city, but the office is in the outskirts and I decided not to travel from the city but to take a PG right beside the office, in the same outskirts. Saves the logistics head-ache and gives me some walking distance to cover, which I like. Also the mental peace of knowing there is nothing else outside the room – nothing that would tempt me, pull me. Pune is a good city, but any other city would have made no difference to me (but I am lucky to get Pune, weather wise)

I tend to get a bit proud of myself concerning my adaptability. I know people who never travelled and those who travelled a lot. The people who travel a lot still do not necessarily enjoy it. They simply are used to adjusting. They are not really at home, away from home. People have trouble getting used to places, people, food, what not. Not me.

I am proud because that stuff does not bother me. I don’t need people to talk to. I can stay silent for hours on, even days without feeling disconnected, as long as I have a book to read or stuff to do. I am not prone to getting bored. Not at all, not in the near future. I am quite happy with a laptop or a book. An internet connection helps. And I don’t have a preferred food. I eat rice as well as chapatis as well as burgers and enjoy them too. I do not mean occasionally, as a staple food. The canteen of the PG I stay in serves tasteless food. The quality is all right but it is a torture of the taste buds. I didn’t even notice the first few days. I get so hungry by the time I come back from office that I am practically an animal while eating. Only when I had time and patience to notice did it strike me that there was no curd, that the curry was lame and the palak dal was really green sambar. Yet, a small pickle bottle solved all the problems in that regard.

I am self-sufficient if I am allowed to say so. In the sense that I am not emotionally dependant on particular places or foods - or to some extent people.

I do connect with people but I don’t feel the need to keep them in my presence or ‘touch’. A call a day to family is good enough. And a call a month if a close friend. Or two months. I am like that, nothing abnormal.

These days, I am enjoying having all time to my selfish self.  Really, it’s hard to describe the peace that I am going through. Mainly the peace of knowing that I don’t need any more changes for some time. That the uncertainty part is, at long last, over. The change I wanted is already here. Ah, and how much I wanted change! Now I just have to push and make the most. It is like looking down a road with its map in my hand. However hard the terrain may be, I know that the direction is right and all the bumps you endure will be worth the while. Even better, it will not be a road not taken.

Rambling

As I look into this blank page. That’s exactly what comes to my mind. I get so many ideas. Enough to write about, But I never do. Why?

Only when I am drunk I feel the necessity to enlighten the world with my fuckedup ideas. I don’t know why.

But again, life is always better when you are drunk. Especially if it is a beer, given that It is summer. And if it’s a beer then, it better be a Tuborg. No, nothing about it except that it goes in smoother. And that I get boozed easily out irrespective of what the drink is.

Times are crazy, or not, depending on whom you believe. I am going crazy for sure. For reasons not known to me to the fullest. First, let’s see if I am crazy. Ok, I am not.

The obvious conclusion is that the world around me is. I can tell by the contradictions that I find that with people, their belief systems. Enough nagging.

The football world cup leaves me in mixed feelings. Given how impressed I was by the Spanish system of playing it. The system is still fine I reckon, they just need to bring in new people who can still execute it.

Lets not talk about Sachin here.

Lets talk about love. Maybe not.

Lets say we are what we are. Which doesn’t make any sense. But then let’s think through this. We are what we are means we are what we intuitively or instinctively are. That’s what that means. It simply means we are animals by virtue of our flesh. And flesh is everything there is, let’s not forget that. We are, as per this definition, not what others teach/ tell us to be. Which is what almost every one of us is. As children we were dependent on others to tell us how to behave. That hasn’t changed with age. So what are we really talking about here? I am too drunk to explain. Maybe sometime later, I can charge to talk about this stuff.

What’s more, I am just typing this thing off my key board. Off the top of my head. Office doesn’t always suck. It sucks when you don’t want to or don’t know to do the stuff you are paid to do. I know this. So I am searching for something I can do which I want to do and get paid too.

What else, Love, let’s not talk about love now, shall we. Please?

If you are reading this and thinking, what a maniac! Put yourself in my shoes, by which I mean - 5 hours of sleep the previous night combined with 16 hours  of activity and a couple a beers. Yes, speak now. And I haven't even started on philosophy..

See, I have so many real things to talk about, I just don’t remember them when I need to.

Desperate

They say change is inevitable. They say change is for sure. And here I am waiting for change. Desperately. Gimme some.

As much as I thrive in darkness, give me some light.

Love and life I have seen, I want some more. Before I stop asking, gimme some. What I gain in motivation, I lose in temptations. What I want is exactly what I lose.

As much as I am productive, why am I not? If at all I have my priorities set, why do I stumble.

The fight between life of experience and that of struggle. Yes I never am afraid of struggle, but where is the consistency of actions with which I think. Why is nothing  enough..

I keep asking darkness, for some light. Doesn't make it any better. Except that it goes out of me. I say it to myself, the dark parts of my brain.

My life is not a tragedy. But then, why not. The more it drifts towards the average, the more I fight.

I fight only to earn my way into the good fight.

After all, what more can a man dream of?