Fucking 20 16 man

I don't know if I'll ever get over this damn period, man. The second half. The last 6 months or so. 2016 will be an year to remember, and somehow get over with.

I mean, I am lucky to be alive. Saying I was lucky seems like a depreciation of what happened. A fucking miracle happened. And I am still here, in person. Really. 

In July 2016, I survived the accident of my life. Not just that, I didn't kill my best friends either. We all got away without a scratch. Somehow.

If that was alright, listen to this. I was on the verge of losing the love of my life months later. All due to some really silly handling of situations. I honestly had to give up at certain points of time. I had lost hope and courage that anything good will ever happen with me. That is how bad it was, and it turned out not to be the worst thing ever either. I mean, this could have been the worst thing ever. Rather, I am somewhat better placed now, considering everything.

Better placed is the term I guess. Mainly because of experience. Exposure to really tough shit. To confess, I have only myself to blame for these things. That, however, doesn't take anything away from the shittiness.

Many other important things happened. I made big roadways in my life personally and professionally. I even had the time to worry that there was an outside chance that Brexit and Donald Trump would happen. Outside chance. But those are all peripheral. Not a matter in the end.

One thing that indeed matters is that we watched Steven Wilson, Live. In person and in all the glory of the Raven.

Well, apart from that. What matters, what I will remember for as long as I live and what I will probably never get over is that I almost lost both of them. My life, and the love of my life. Almost. 

These Sunday Mornings

Lazy as a log. Don't want to move out of here.

But so much guilt. So much fear.

I'd rather have a nice time. Gulp a beer.

But no, chores wait. Need to get them clear.

Here I am, fighting my demons
Things to do, over things to dream
A cozy afternoon, is way too costly
I need to get up, get my hands dirty

Pretending that I have a choice 

What Time Can do.

Time can make you forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. It can make you break the promise, to yourself, of making good the mistakes. It can make you sleep as if nothing happened. It overthrows conscience.

It can make the joyful moments at the parks with mom, dad and brother, just a cute memory for minds. It can make the adorable parents suspicious of their own children. It can make the same kids who played in the dad’s arms pure liars and crooks. It can make the same kids clever enough to crack jokes on their friend’s dads. It can turn the single room and kitchen home- with one family, into a double bedroom hall and kitchen apartment with busy individuals.

It can turn the best friends into ‘just another casual friend.’ It can make people meet new ones and forget old ones. It can change the priorities from blind faith and truthfulness, to need, later to choices and chances.

It can make you meet special people. Who can make magic happen. Who can make the factors of time and space irrelevant, insignificant.

It can make success seem too small.

Time can kill the creativity of the empty mind. It can make the colorful ambitions too silly now.

It makes you believe that everything is a just part of life. It proves that everything is part of the big plan. And later that there was no plan. All the small things were life.

One Day, Worth A Life

What if you have just one day to live?

One day and that’s it. Is it enough?? Enough or not? And for what?!

What do you do with the last Twenty four hours of the end..?

What do you do if you know that all that counts is this? This is it..

With whom will you spend it with..?

Family, Friends.. With whom..? Can you choose..?

And what if no one is left for you?

What if all that is left of you is you? Just you..

What if thoughts are all you have to spend for the longest Twenty four hours of your life?

Or shortest..? What do you think?

What if all the thoughts that come across are not good enough to be thought about?

Have you done deeds worthy of a life? Yet??

What if all the relations you had are not worth mentioning in the shortlist?

What if there is no short list? What if it is too short?

Can you bear the pain that all you have done is survive?

You just managed to survive.. Thats it? You did not live, did you?!

Is your life worth a drop of tears? At least your tears?

Do you have the time to weep now? Or is it too short?

What if you haven’t done enough to make yourself laugh now?

Or at least to smile? Is your life worth a smile? Of yours?

Did you work to achieve what others did not? Did you discharge your duty?

Is that how you count your life? What if ‘others’ are irrelevant now?

Survived by working. Working your life out..

And lived by? What? Did you have time to live then? When you had more time?

Maybe your friends were right that you did not keep touch..

Maybe your family was right that you were late from work and did not eat on time..

Maybe they meant a lot more than keeping touch and eating..

Maybe they meant living..? Did they?

What if the last thoughts you have are those of dismay and disgust?

Do you want to ask for one more chance?

One more chance to live it differently.. Without mistakes..?

Or maybe with mistakes.. Ones that are meant to be made? Maybe you know them now..

What if all you wanted until now is not what counts? Lost the count?

Were you too late to realize what you want? Late by a lifetime?

Were you too perfect for life?? Too good to risk??

Maybe too good to dare and ask.. huh?? Asking a bit too late now..

Maybe you should have done this a bit earlier?

This questioning and depreciating.. This killing..

Did you realize yet that you still have a bit of life to make up the count.. One day..

One day, worth a life.. Or is it?

Planned Accident

May 17^th, 2009. There was an accident on the highway. Two of my school friends were dead on the spot – Praneeth and Shiva. They were on my bike.

We started off at 10 in the morning from Secunderabad. It was a school get-together. I was not planning to go but once I met the friends, I had to go. As if that’s not enough, I went to Praneeth’s house and picked him up. He was never in the plan but was ready in 5 minutes. Shiva was never in the list too. Somehow even he turned up. And there were some 15 other people. We went to a resort near Ghatkesar. We played in the pool. We had some fun. We ate our lunch. And started back at 3 PM or so..

Praneeth had my keys. So he took out my bike. I did not think of asking him the bike back. I don’t know why but I should have. I was going to sit on the rear seat. But it was not to be so. Some other friend asked me to ride his bike because he wanted to ride some other new bike of another friend. So I went on to that guys bike. As I was on another bike, Shiva went and sat behind Praneeth – That was my place. All this happened in a minute or split of it.

So I was the one who was the reason for Praneeth to come and I virtually grabbed Shivas life. Technically speaking, my life is simply the opportunity cost of his. I was lucky in some ways. Not so lucky in other terms. I don’t believe in fate, consequently, I don’t have any words to describe it.

We started off from there and the accident took place in the next 10 minutes. It’s hard to describe how we felt when we saw that our friends who were playing with us half an hour back were not alive now!

But i can swear any day on this. They were two really good fellows. Were not perfect. No one is. But were a lot better than some people who are alive. Would have been nice to have them around.

A lesson on screwing up your life

He wasn’t the best student in our class. But wasn’t bad enough to end up like he did! Our only hope now is that its not the end..

After passing 10^th grade in a not so grand B grade along with us, he chose POLY TECHNIQUE over the regular intermediate - with electronics as majors. No one said it was bad. It wasn’t. Except that it was a 3 years course. But had a benefit that the B.Tech that followed was reduced to 3 years for them. But that is still a long way! The first year in the 3 year poly technique shit, he cleared most of the subjects. Not beginners luck but enthusiasm and a small dread that was assumed from the school. Then the problems started with the following semesters. He started failing more subjects as the course grew. The problem wasn’t the complexity of the course. It was the amount of distractions he gathered around himself.

But even then he wasn’t fully into the pickle yet. He struggled with some new subjects, cleared some old ones and so it was alright till the third year. Then came a new circle of friends into his world implying that he completely lost track of whats happening for three months or so. Even that was not the end. He eventually moved away from them and had a whole 2 months or so before the final exams of the third year. And he had some seven subjects in the spare as back logs. No one knows how he spent those two months and no one cared then actually. So he wrote the finals. To be correct, he just attended them and gave a blank paper most of the times. Other times he had more important works to do than write the most important exams in his life.

He flunked the exams successfully after his tremendous efforts. The girls in the middle would be a special mention here but he’ll never agree with me there. Maybe he is right. I don’t know. But that failure was just the beginning of a series of extravaganzas.

So he failed and he convinced his family that he was gonna complete it in the next year without any doubt. He wrote the exams in September again. Sorry, he just bunked all of them because there was still another attempt left for him. He told his parents that September was the last attempt but the results would come in May or something. So he still had the March attempt.

For March, he studied a bit more sincerely, at least because we were pressurizing him to do so. So he wrote the exams and wrote fine till the day before the last exam when he bombed me with another fact. That he didn’t write any of the exams except the first one. And first one, he gave gathered enough strength to give a blank paper. I tried not to get animated. I only hoped that he was trying to make an ‘april fool’ out of me. He wasn’t.

To sum it up, In addition to the one year that he wasted after the third year, he accomplished the task of wasting yet another year. The problem is that he is still at the beginning of that year! Its like standing at the foot of a huge mountain and wondering if he would ever reach the top. In fact, whether he wasted one year or a lifetime depends how his dad reacts when he gets to know this grand news! 

And now am off to play cricket. Of course with the lead character of this story!     

And yeah..no comments  :-)

 

Reality Check

Everyone has a dream in school, don’t they?? To be a pilot is quite famous :P and some others dream to make India corruption less!!

Everyone wants to be someone who inspires some other person. All of us wanted to become that high profile person in Hollywood movies having the power to make important decisions regarding matters having a high stake. We look in the mirrors and look so deep that it would break thinking “I wanna be a play maker someday. Someone at the top of the list”.

I too went through such phases. That was somewhere down in the school. Then in my 11^th and 12^th I learned that it was not easy to become a celebrity overnight. I decided that I still had some time to enjoy before I start out with serious hard work..

Now, being a graduation student I think I have matured somewhat. Being a successful person internationally or even nationally for that matter is more like impossible unless you start out very hard right from your school days whatever maybe the field you prefer unless you are extra talented. To be a playmaker is not a joke now.. being a leader is no more a fantasy to me(not that I am one now..).

But look at it this way – are you sure you wanna be a leader? Are you ready to sacrifice the little joys of your childhood to spend late hours in the coaching centers which give lessons to get a seat in prestigious institutions which in turn give coaching for some IITs? Are you ready to sacrifice the days when you were chit chatting with your best friends on your building terrace? Can you imagine the shape of your life without those memories? Can you sacrifice those times when you fought over the small bills of a bakery? Or the days when you spent the whole day in a playground playing less and fighting more? Or the joyous games with cousins during small get-togethers? Do you really wanna be a hero when you know that you are gonna be at the top but you are gonna be alone? With no one to really be happy that you are actually a hero? Can you miss out on those little birthday parties, birthday bums and heavy burgers? Is life worth it without those moments of little life when you shared your heart with your best buddies? Well, are you ready to ignore all the special friends you made over the years? The crush in your college for whom you actually go to college? Can you give up the long sessions of fights or arguments you had with your brother for a better salary than him?? (:|

Well, I am sorry - I can’t!!

So do the people who are out to be heroes really know what they are upto? Do they understand what they are missing? Do they ever understand that the environment they are in is not an obstacle to the dreams of their life but it actually is the essence of their unimportant life? Or do they realize that a few more bucks or a bit of applauds is not worth what they are missing – the actual life?

Well that’s how I look at life now. I am gonna be what I am meant to be. I am not gonna compromise my career because of small restrictions. I am still going to make it quite big. But equally so I am not ready to miss out the little joys which only my family and friends can give me - those joys which no success or salary package can afford. After all what is life when you don’t have a few people around you to joke at the fact that you actually succeeded or curse you at the fact that you were too lazy to succeed!!

Four A.m - Story of a beggar

Heyaa...back :-D. Well, four a.m is exactly the time i have finished this story and that has nothing to do with the actual story!!

I Am writing the story of a beggar here (No, I haven’t turned a beggar yet :-@) whom I and my friends happened to meet accidentally

This was when I was forcefully dragged to yadagiri gutta (Don’t act posh. you heard that place before, didn’t you? It’s a holy place btw)by friends. Why? They have this promise made to god which they have to fulfill (I don’t know the exact term :-P)

So we went there and finished whatever we wanted to do (I am not going into details for hell now) and on our way back through the stairs, we were passing by this beggar when one of us gave him a coin and we were going on when he said “Thank you, Sir”

We were not exactly surprised as he had every right to know basic English! We joked on our friend saying that a beggar could start speaking English after seeing him.

The beggars name was Ramalingam (I am not comfortable calling him a beggar too much), he was crippled, bent and his face was exactly how a beggars face would look like - worn out, uninterested and tired of life.

He somehow heard our talk and replied “Hello, I am a degree holder”

We were like shocked by that response but didn’t stop. After getting down a few steps, I gave the idea of going back and getting some info about how he got into such a position (just with a hope that we would learn to avoid at least one way of becoming a beggar!!) and one of us initiated and we went back to where he sat. But we didn’t go straight to him…We didn’t have the guts actually to go and talk to the man whom we accidentally insulted, we just sat on a rock a few steps from him and fought on who was to approach first. So, the guy who first gave him a coin went forward and dropped another one (keep count of the coins :-P) and started the conversation. I didn’t hear the whole of it as I joined in the middle. But I learned all the details later from them and this is the STORY OF RAMALINGAM THE BEGGAR (how’s that for a movie title eh? :->)

“I am from karimnagar district, usnabad” I means Ramalingam ra rascal! “I am a degree holder from public degree college in Usnabad. I am in this position by fate.” Then he told his whole story. “After my degree I got a job as an attender in a government office. Then, I changed a few jobs and in the end turned out to be a sweeper in a government hospital. I had some property, a wife and two children, a boy and a girl. Eventually, I fell ill and the doctors certified that one of my kidneys failed. So I took voluntary retirement and got a lump sum amount of Rs.6 Lakhs! “

I wonder if he was crippled from childhood.

“My property was on the name of my wife. She stole the money and ran away with another man and then sold my property off and now I don’t even know where she is! With nothing else to do, I turned out here to be begging. My children are studying under scholarship from government in a hostel. Both are district rank holders. I give them a helping hand with whatever I save here. I stay in a rented room down the hill here”

Well he didn’t last the whole story, he burst out crying half way down the story and we were moved. In fact, the first guy had tears in his eyes... our guy gave the beggar another coin and we found out the details of his college etc. We turned back not knowing how to console him (if there was any way). We dropped another coin and walked back.

But hopeless that we are, we were laughing in a few steps from there and I committed to myself that I was going to write the whole story of this Mr.Ramalingam on my blog!

Moral of the story: If you are reading this before the actual story, come from the first line now and you may get the lesson! But if you already read the whole story, then what is the point in telling you the moral? You must have already got it. Isn’t it?!! :-P