My Fucked up memory

Was driving on an empty road at 10 PM on my bike with two other strangers on my back. Gave them a ride in exchange for confirming that I was down the right lane. Didn’t have much space to work with, having to drag myself onto the petrol tank in order to accommodate them on that 10 min drive..

And while my instincts were taking care of the driving, my mind diverted from one thought to another on a random basis to finally come across the most beautiful one. Could remember the thought process before this particular thought came and the thought process after. But not this precise one! At that moment, For this one thought, I would have given the world. Lost it as soon as it was interrupted with those people asking me stop the bike so as to depart on other ways. And once it was lost, it was as if it escaped and hid in some unknown terrain of my brain away from my reach. I mean, having an amazing thought which brings about an auto-smile on your face one moment, and wondering what the hell that was the very next moment!  That can be annoying..

Can’t even remember the subject matter/ concept or whatever it is related to. The more I think about it, the more beautiful it seems to be, and the more beautiful it feels, the more I try to recollect it, retrieve it out of the blues..

Again on the hind sight, there is this risk that if and if at all that thought comes back to my senseless mind, it may not have been as gorgeous. What if it was just another random thought which I presumed awesome just because of its mysterious escapade? I’d rather not look back on it if this is the risk..

Creativity - killed

There was a time when ideas occurred at will to me. My blog always had a new post in works. And people, they were actually impressed by the articles I used to write. That was me even till last year. But then CA took over. I had to write my exams. Had to prepare for months on a roll and whenever I wanted to do something else, there was this guilt feeling that I shouldn’t be fooling around away from books. So my thought process lost that freedom which makes it flow and make things happen.

There you go, my creativity was restricted and slowly nullified. People think that creativity is like, you know like, those things which never go away. It does. Especially when you prepare 8 mammoth subjects for an exam. More so when you don’t expect to use any of them practically to earn a living.

My ability to write about interesting things slowly but surely went down. I specifically miss the good feeling I get when I know that an article turned out to be something meaningful and good enough to be posted under my name.

And this, yet another attempt to bring back a bit of that.

On 2010

Whenever I really want to fill something new in this space and don’t have anything to say, I pick up this New Year article (or ‘Independence day’ wala etc depending on the opportunity)

Anyways the record is not broken yet. 2009 is still the most happening year of my life with the exception of the year I was born. Of course a few things happened in 2010, it wasn’t totally lame. My office training is done with for one. My college is over. I graduated successfully and as opposed to popular reactions relating to the event, it doesn’t affect me whatsoever. No offense but it never did. I did not look at college in that kind of way. Let’s say I was managing it. If anything, I am glad that I don’t have to worry about the attendance and exam fees. My friend list is short as ever but I was able to filter out a few and add a few others which doesn’t matter anyways, so I think it doesn’t deserve the mention here. All those birthday’s, treats and night outs were as usual and fun.

Had some really beautiful events which I will not share obviously .Except Sachin’s 200, I was practically jumping in front of the TV! (Was it in 2010 or 09?) And some stupid and/or ugly and/or regrettable moments which I am trying to forget if I didn’t yet.

People tend to think that the childhood is the best phase of life especially after all that they have gone through later. But in reality the more time we are alive, the better you we are getting as persons. Because everyday we learn something new or learn to do something better. So today you are more wise and informed than yesterday and tomorrow you can only be better. Irrespective of whether good happens or bad. So in 365 days (If 2010 wasn’t leap) we all grew and added a bit more value to the package of ours.

Anyways, dividing life into chapters is good. Makes it easier to recall (Not for me though). And 2010 as a chapter was like that ‘yet another chapter in the book with practically same answers but different questions’. Because it did not matter as much but it is a part of the package.

One Day, Worth A Life

What if you have just one day to live?

One day and that’s it. Is it enough?? Enough or not? And for what?!

What do you do with the last Twenty four hours of the end..?

What do you do if you know that all that counts is this? This is it..

With whom will you spend it with..?

Family, Friends.. With whom..? Can you choose..?

And what if no one is left for you?

What if all that is left of you is you? Just you..

What if thoughts are all you have to spend for the longest Twenty four hours of your life?

Or shortest..? What do you think?

What if all the thoughts that come across are not good enough to be thought about?

Have you done deeds worthy of a life? Yet??

What if all the relations you had are not worth mentioning in the shortlist?

What if there is no short list? What if it is too short?

Can you bear the pain that all you have done is survive?

You just managed to survive.. Thats it? You did not live, did you?!

Is your life worth a drop of tears? At least your tears?

Do you have the time to weep now? Or is it too short?

What if you haven’t done enough to make yourself laugh now?

Or at least to smile? Is your life worth a smile? Of yours?

Did you work to achieve what others did not? Did you discharge your duty?

Is that how you count your life? What if ‘others’ are irrelevant now?

Survived by working. Working your life out..

And lived by? What? Did you have time to live then? When you had more time?

Maybe your friends were right that you did not keep touch..

Maybe your family was right that you were late from work and did not eat on time..

Maybe they meant a lot more than keeping touch and eating..

Maybe they meant living..? Did they?

What if the last thoughts you have are those of dismay and disgust?

Do you want to ask for one more chance?

One more chance to live it differently.. Without mistakes..?

Or maybe with mistakes.. Ones that are meant to be made? Maybe you know them now..

What if all you wanted until now is not what counts? Lost the count?

Were you too late to realize what you want? Late by a lifetime?

Were you too perfect for life?? Too good to risk??

Maybe too good to dare and ask.. huh?? Asking a bit too late now..

Maybe you should have done this a bit earlier?

This questioning and depreciating.. This killing..

Did you realize yet that you still have a bit of life to make up the count.. One day..

One day, worth a life.. Or is it?