Stuff - September 2015

Travelled a lot, learnt a lot.

Don’t ask me how and what, its complicated.

Been to the jungles and the beaches.

Made new friends, and lost my soul.

At least some part of it.

That’s the neat poem summarizing my travels last month or so, if not comprehensive or accurate. I travelled to Maredumilli in forests of AP, I travelled to Mahabaleshwar with family and then finished off with a trip to Goa. Holiday season for you. All fun, in their own way, but I learnt something in Goa. It is hard to be lonely. Yes, I, of all people, felt lonely when left alone to my devices in a street full of booze and whatnot. Somehow, it didn’t seem good enough. Maybe the place wasn’t, it was crowded and messy. I didn’t have a plan or a good book. I was restless in some way. I was depressed a whole day after coming back - my longest stretch in memory. I can’t say if it is something with me. Maybe I will go to some other place and I can be happy alone again. After all, how can I get a better company?

My biggest trouble right now are bed bugs. And I can’t even feel them properly.

Of course I am not counting my parents who are resolute on getting me married off to some girl with peanuts for brain. Not on my watch, father.

Neither am I counting the stagnation phase I seem to be always in. But does that count as a problem, like technically? Or is it the only one that matters, man?

Future holds good things, yeah. I have a birthday coming up for starters. Well, let’s just say future holds things.

Update: Bed bugs are out, at least I scared them enough to make them stay out of my sight. Stagnation turned out to be a valid problem, one which needs a solution. And family, yeah. 

We grew up

Used to watch Sachin with wide open mouths. Learned perfection hence

Never being interested in his records, just the Goosebumps-giving straight drives with MRF

From the promises-to-self of never marrying

Of never drinking, never drinking and driving

Never doing the wrong

From the summers of boredom to being busy for the waiting ones

Came a long way

 Learned English with the spoken English classes offered by Yahoo messengers and Orkuts

Who would’ve thought, that it would earn the food that donkey years of education never could

That waiting for the kissing scenes in Hollywood movies

Anything more than that would make the day up

Studies meant exams, exams meant marks, and marks meant expectations

Studies never meant learning. Not even after knowing that marks meant nothing

Terraces were the play grounds which never existed

Terraces were converted to secret party places later

And Bars, And night out adda’s

Bunked it all

Schools, colleges, tuitions, offices

Some times, technically, home

Those afternoons of blaming our dads for not being rich

And blaming the rich for not giving it all away

Not having the bucks to party

To having no places which could hold the parties long enough

From the outlander view from inside a boys school

To getting bored and sick of nuisance of girls (oops - most of the girls)

Moved on, from hand video games, to TV video games, to PC games

Now to no-more games

From the Dexter’s labs and ftv

To Nolan’s Memento and more

In the process, came across people, acquaintances, few friends, very few good friends

Losing a couple of them by chance, some friends by choice

From being pure atheists

To being just an agnostic

And not caring enough to even remember that term

From Learning about hypocrisy by observation

From gaining expertise in it by practice

To hating it all by heart

To deciding never to be a pert of that mix

To realizing that it’s a resolution hard to hold

Starting with belief of a destiny, going around the concept of luck

Coming to believe in the randomness

We grew up.

What Time Can do.

Time can make you forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. It can make you break the promise, to yourself, of making good the mistakes. It can make you sleep as if nothing happened. It overthrows conscience.

It can make the joyful moments at the parks with mom, dad and brother, just a cute memory for minds. It can make the adorable parents suspicious of their own children. It can make the same kids who played in the dad’s arms pure liars and crooks. It can make the same kids clever enough to crack jokes on their friend’s dads. It can turn the single room and kitchen home- with one family, into a double bedroom hall and kitchen apartment with busy individuals.

It can turn the best friends into ‘just another casual friend.’ It can make people meet new ones and forget old ones. It can change the priorities from blind faith and truthfulness, to need, later to choices and chances.

It can make you meet special people. Who can make magic happen. Who can make the factors of time and space irrelevant, insignificant.

It can make success seem too small.

Time can kill the creativity of the empty mind. It can make the colorful ambitions too silly now.

It makes you believe that everything is a just part of life. It proves that everything is part of the big plan. And later that there was no plan. All the small things were life.

Continuation of the fuckedupness.

This isn’t the start. For the start, read this http://raj1688.blogspot.com/2009/04/lesson-on-screwing-up-your-life.html.

Then here is part two. He was meant to write the supplementary exams in the September of 2009. He did. Except one. Which is a hell excellent by his standards. He assured us that he would pass all that he wrote. All right.

And the one exam which he left was to be written a few days back. He did. After this, he had to write an entrance exam for engineering and join a college. It was going to be good. But for him, good isn’t good enough. He had a whole 5 or 6 months to prepare for the one subject which he knew was going to be tough. He knew that he needed to practice. Seems that he knew more about the question paper than the paper setter himself. Except how to answer it. He just gave me the news that he flunked the exam without any fuss. No excuses. He just fucked up. For me, he deserved to for being direction-less.

So..his next attempt is due September. He wasted another year. Wait, no. He is just at the beginning of a fresh wasted year. He really isn’t dumb. He is mature and logical. After all these years together, I just don’t know what really is the only reason for this.

Consequences? He is not going to get any new chances from his family. He used up all his lives. He doesn’t know what happens next. If anything happens at all, that is. Maybe he’ll join a job right away and attempt the exam next time around hoping that he doesn’t sleep half way through. If anyone asks if he is going for engineering after that, no better joke.

One Day, Worth A Life

What if you have just one day to live?

One day and that’s it. Is it enough?? Enough or not? And for what?!

What do you do with the last Twenty four hours of the end..?

What do you do if you know that all that counts is this? This is it..

With whom will you spend it with..?

Family, Friends.. With whom..? Can you choose..?

And what if no one is left for you?

What if all that is left of you is you? Just you..

What if thoughts are all you have to spend for the longest Twenty four hours of your life?

Or shortest..? What do you think?

What if all the thoughts that come across are not good enough to be thought about?

Have you done deeds worthy of a life? Yet??

What if all the relations you had are not worth mentioning in the shortlist?

What if there is no short list? What if it is too short?

Can you bear the pain that all you have done is survive?

You just managed to survive.. Thats it? You did not live, did you?!

Is your life worth a drop of tears? At least your tears?

Do you have the time to weep now? Or is it too short?

What if you haven’t done enough to make yourself laugh now?

Or at least to smile? Is your life worth a smile? Of yours?

Did you work to achieve what others did not? Did you discharge your duty?

Is that how you count your life? What if ‘others’ are irrelevant now?

Survived by working. Working your life out..

And lived by? What? Did you have time to live then? When you had more time?

Maybe your friends were right that you did not keep touch..

Maybe your family was right that you were late from work and did not eat on time..

Maybe they meant a lot more than keeping touch and eating..

Maybe they meant living..? Did they?

What if the last thoughts you have are those of dismay and disgust?

Do you want to ask for one more chance?

One more chance to live it differently.. Without mistakes..?

Or maybe with mistakes.. Ones that are meant to be made? Maybe you know them now..

What if all you wanted until now is not what counts? Lost the count?

Were you too late to realize what you want? Late by a lifetime?

Were you too perfect for life?? Too good to risk??

Maybe too good to dare and ask.. huh?? Asking a bit too late now..

Maybe you should have done this a bit earlier?

This questioning and depreciating.. This killing..

Did you realize yet that you still have a bit of life to make up the count.. One day..

One day, worth a life.. Or is it?

Reality Check

Everyone has a dream in school, don’t they?? To be a pilot is quite famous :P and some others dream to make India corruption less!!

Everyone wants to be someone who inspires some other person. All of us wanted to become that high profile person in Hollywood movies having the power to make important decisions regarding matters having a high stake. We look in the mirrors and look so deep that it would break thinking “I wanna be a play maker someday. Someone at the top of the list”.

I too went through such phases. That was somewhere down in the school. Then in my 11^th and 12^th I learned that it was not easy to become a celebrity overnight. I decided that I still had some time to enjoy before I start out with serious hard work..

Now, being a graduation student I think I have matured somewhat. Being a successful person internationally or even nationally for that matter is more like impossible unless you start out very hard right from your school days whatever maybe the field you prefer unless you are extra talented. To be a playmaker is not a joke now.. being a leader is no more a fantasy to me(not that I am one now..).

But look at it this way – are you sure you wanna be a leader? Are you ready to sacrifice the little joys of your childhood to spend late hours in the coaching centers which give lessons to get a seat in prestigious institutions which in turn give coaching for some IITs? Are you ready to sacrifice the days when you were chit chatting with your best friends on your building terrace? Can you imagine the shape of your life without those memories? Can you sacrifice those times when you fought over the small bills of a bakery? Or the days when you spent the whole day in a playground playing less and fighting more? Or the joyous games with cousins during small get-togethers? Do you really wanna be a hero when you know that you are gonna be at the top but you are gonna be alone? With no one to really be happy that you are actually a hero? Can you miss out on those little birthday parties, birthday bums and heavy burgers? Is life worth it without those moments of little life when you shared your heart with your best buddies? Well, are you ready to ignore all the special friends you made over the years? The crush in your college for whom you actually go to college? Can you give up the long sessions of fights or arguments you had with your brother for a better salary than him?? (:|

Well, I am sorry - I can’t!!

So do the people who are out to be heroes really know what they are upto? Do they understand what they are missing? Do they ever understand that the environment they are in is not an obstacle to the dreams of their life but it actually is the essence of their unimportant life? Or do they realize that a few more bucks or a bit of applauds is not worth what they are missing – the actual life?

Well that’s how I look at life now. I am gonna be what I am meant to be. I am not gonna compromise my career because of small restrictions. I am still going to make it quite big. But equally so I am not ready to miss out the little joys which only my family and friends can give me - those joys which no success or salary package can afford. After all what is life when you don’t have a few people around you to joke at the fact that you actually succeeded or curse you at the fact that you were too lazy to succeed!!