Credibility, lost

My luck ran out I guess
Every once in a while, a refill is required
Sometimes, nothing can fill this bucket of emptiness

I've done too many things wrong this time
This bucket of credibility seems short of quantity now
I always thought I can make someone laugh and now, there is just silliness

The past seems like a mess in my head
I try to sum up the numbers and square the circles
Nothing seems to make much sense
But what I do remember I can say for sure
That that was not an accident, it was me and it was you
It was always me and you that sorted things out
Mopped the floor once in a while and started a new mess
Because we knew that home was worth the effort
And running away is not quite the right way

But people get tired I guess
Sometimes the mess is too much of a nuisance I guess
There is no more the ventilation and breathing space
Trust can be lost I guess, no one to blame but myself

I've done too many wrongs to right this time
Too much lost to laugh this time

Discipline and where to find it

I am asking. Not lecturing. The single most important thing for a complete life. And it is so hard to find.

Fucking 20 16 man

I don't know if I'll ever get over this damn period, man. The second half. The last 6 months or so. 2016 will be an year to remember, and somehow get over with.

I mean, I am lucky to be alive. Saying I was lucky seems like a depreciation of what happened. A fucking miracle happened. And I am still here, in person. Really. 

In July 2016, I survived the accident of my life. Not just that, I didn't kill my best friends either. We all got away without a scratch. Somehow.

If that was alright, listen to this. I was on the verge of losing the love of my life months later. All due to some really silly handling of situations. I honestly had to give up at certain points of time. I had lost hope and courage that anything good will ever happen with me. That is how bad it was, and it turned out not to be the worst thing ever either. I mean, this could have been the worst thing ever. Rather, I am somewhat better placed now, considering everything.

Better placed is the term I guess. Mainly because of experience. Exposure to really tough shit. To confess, I have only myself to blame for these things. That, however, doesn't take anything away from the shittiness.

Many other important things happened. I made big roadways in my life personally and professionally. I even had the time to worry that there was an outside chance that Brexit and Donald Trump would happen. Outside chance. But those are all peripheral. Not a matter in the end.

One thing that indeed matters is that we watched Steven Wilson, Live. In person and in all the glory of the Raven.

Well, apart from that. What matters, what I will remember for as long as I live and what I will probably never get over is that I almost lost both of them. My life, and the love of my life. Almost. 

BORN IN WINTER

One day you'll walk the world, AND KEEP IN  MIND

The heart you've been given in WINTER TIME

And through the bitter cold, with OPENED EYES

You'll find the STRENGTH to FIGHT AND STAND UP-RIGHT

---
Born in Winter - Gojira, France
---

You have to shout your lungs out when you utter the lyrics in Caps. Otherwise you are not doing it right. No.

Also, UP-RIGHT is just UPRIGHT. But you need to stress on the two words which make it up, giving it the required meaning.

Also, some songs are songs. Some songs are anthems, you live by them.

She's got Wings

She feels too much. When she loves, she loves to her last breathe. She foregoes everything and everyone for love. She gives it the power to destroy her. She knows of no other way. She loves with every bit of her energy. And she is a fighter. She fights for the love she deserves. Nothing less.

When that love comes back to destroy her, she doesn't hide. She shows up. She takes the blows. She feels every moment of the pain. Every inch of the lash. Every small detail of the torture. Not because she wants to. But because it is love that is hurting her. She loves too much to run away now. For her, the pain is just another of its faces. And so she lets love thrash her to the ground. With tears in her eyes, she falls. The broken angel.

But that is not why she is strong. She is strong because she still doesn't stop loving. She still doesn't let go. She still cares. Like a mother, she will always nurture her love. She will heal. Slowly, she starts to smile. Though the scars remain, she let's go of the pain. The tears still roll out at nights, but she is too bright to lay low. She still has the courage to trust. To let go, forgive. To still care. She still is brave enough. Even after seeing what love can do to her. She knows she will be beaten again. Her scars remind her the pain she has endured.

She is strong because the scars can't stop her from flying again. Her wings might be bruised but they are not broken. She may be a fallen angel. Her strength is that she will raise again.

She is magic because she isn't afraid to be vulnerable.

This Hollowness

Its deep
This hollowness in me
In what I'd like to call.. Me

Its deep and it is dark
It is so deep and dark
That I am afraid of it
Of looking into it
Of delving in it
Of diving into it
I am so afraid of this dark pit
Most times, I act like it doesn't exist

Fact is, it just is
No meaning or verse
No poem in its depth
Barren in language
No flavor or rhyme
Very hard to find
It just is

Its the futility of this life
It is where everything is coming from
Where everything ends up
Its the futility of good and bad
Of happiness, sad
Of death and life

It is the lack of things to describe it
It is not meaningless,
It is, in fact, The Meaninglessness
The Vacuum - before, after, and in the now
It is everything that I am not
And its deep

Found in waking light

It's a lovely life
With conditions and shit

As long as you avoid the mainstream
As long as you go with what you think is right

Found in waking light
In fading stars
Life is never pretentious

The story of you and me
In those days
Is better than what we will ever have

When we found out that we could change
We lived the change
At the speed of sound

These Sunday Mornings

Lazy as a log. Don't want to move out of here.

But so much guilt. So much fear.

I'd rather have a nice time. Gulp a beer.

But no, chores wait. Need to get them clear.

Here I am, fighting my demons
Things to do, over things to dream
A cozy afternoon, is way too costly
I need to get up, get my hands dirty

Pretending that I have a choice 

What is Death metal? But why?

It's hard to say, really.

Its about the aggression I guess. Controlled aggression. Rebellious and honest. As against pretentious, easy to do, and attention seeking forms of music. As against the hypocrisy of the formulas used by soceity to decide good and bad. As against God and everything that means. As against life, and what death means. Much in the lines of heavy metal and its philosophy, but darker. The music is definitely better than everything else out there. The skills of the musicians involved - second to none.

Well, the growls are there for a reason. They express things which words by themselves can't express well. Mostly sad things. Sometimes angry things. Sometimes brutal things. Mostly a combination.

The point is, the growling vocals are to be considered an instrument by itself, without considering the literal content. The tone of the growls, the depth in there. Having said that, the lyrics in death metal are extremely insightful. Well, extreme and insightful.

Especially Doom metal, a branch of death metal. Doom metal lyrics are sad. Very sad. They talk about things like loneliness, lost love and regrets, about death and the meaninglessness of life. The tempo is slow. And heavy. Like bass heavy, but melodic because the tempo is slow. The growling vocals talking about solitude, combined with the slow, building guitar and bass riffs, with drums setting the tone. It touches me in intangible places.

The Food Obsession

My family, it revolves around food. I don't understand!

My mom wakes up with the sole purpose of making breakfast, then bugs everyone to eat it - 'it's already 11'! The world will end now.

Don't waste the breakfast, who will eat it later!
Then comes lunch, evening snacks (nothing less than lunch) and then dinner.

Every meal preceded by what to cook, how much and how. A Sunday morning wouldn't pass without a two hour argument on what to eat and why.

Then the question of how much remained of the dinner, is there anyone who can act as the dustbin and eat it please? You ate so little, are you ok? We have to wash the dishes, quick! Finish it off!

The next day, the same, eat the breakfast, it is hot!

The whole world revolves around food, dammit. I don't understand! A party? What food. You don't drink? I love eating. What is your passion? I am a foodie. Why are you so fit? I exercise. Oh, you are not eating well, that's why! The fuck, man.

The Monsoon

The first drops, like diamonds in muddy lands
Announcing the arrival of mighty thunders, wet storms
The birds scared away, running into their familiar darkness
The river bursts in joyous tears
The trees twist and turn, can't run

The pain of the summer heat, paid off
On time this time, an old friend visits
Pushes away the sun with a mighty swing of its wings

I bear witness to the unbearable force of nature
My dear nature,
Of which I am so scared, yet long

Memories

Stacks of CDs piled together one after another
Cycle tubes thrown together, in this particular sequence
Slices of cake, before they are cut

They happened for real
Or so you fear
How far from truth can be a memory
How wrong can be the grey matter stickers
Impersonating time in their mirrors

The regrets and remorse, they don't quit
The love and hypocrisy
Which makes memories sweet
Or turns you into blasphemy

But if only you could have been better
If only you did it this way, not that
No, they would not be better
Time does not know better

It is there, time
It was and will be, it is as well
It is like a reservoir, holding
It holds it beautifully
In the dimension of reality
The only true version, the cruelty

The memories they fade
Because memories are photographs, torn by time
They help you die, but drink some wine
Red and white, they give you flavor
Grey and white they turn with time

But time fades not
It is there
It holds the memory, in its care
Time is an encapsule, it holds you tightly
The only reality of many memories

And it does not let gray
The color of reality
It exists without flavor
It lacks what decays
It lacks personal taste and passion
But everything else, it has

It has, so can you, if you ask nicely
In some way, on some sunny day, someone will surely pray

Writing on the go

Yeah, that's the deal now.

I decided, all of a sudden, that I will write on the go. No more doing it in the organized way - i.e. writing a draft, editing, coloring, deleting, writing all over again and doing everything in my lappy.. Because, well, the organized way turned out to be inefficient in this case. Too little turn around you see, not good for business.

And come to think about it, writing should be fun
Whenever you want to, it should be done
So why not fuck the norms and let it flow.. hun?

That didn't flow well, did it? So, I'll write on my device and see how fucked up it can get. And believe me, it can get quite so, especially when I am not in the most sober of conditions.

The very good news is that my intention of keeping it well edited is still intact. Slightly modified to fit in the new working style though.

So much awesomeness in one snap, yeah?

So many awesome books, really special books. And GODLESS, an awesome band no less.

A River Runs Through It

Broke the guitar. Still Alive.

Thank you, Harper Lee.

What the fuck is a phone and why can’t it charge itself?

Some love was made for the lights,

Some kiss your cheek n’ good night

The bridges I’ve burnt

Some stagger and fall, 

After all, it’s not easy

I love you in my own way

And with nothing less than everything I have

I know the pieces fit, 
‘coz I watched them fall away

Why.. is the rum always gone?

And I stood there, thinking “this wine tastes of loneliness”

Comeback if you want to

And remember who you are

Did you know the thing about chaos

Damn the flood, I’ve come to end it all

“Winter, and a man walked into the street, dropped his glasses, and shot a dog. 
Summer, and he watched his children’s heart break.”

Smashed in my car window
Didn’t touch the stereo

Too much suffering in the world

And I take too little in

Validity of knowledge

Today I learned

About Descartes and his philosophy

The most important thing, for me, that Descartes does is search for an ultimate truth. One that is self evident, that which exists, and doesn’t need anything else to exist.

He does arrive at it - ‘I think, therefore I am’. Cogito, Ergo Sum. Whatever may or may not exist, whatever may be an illusion, there is one truth - the truth that I doubt the truth of other things. I, in fact, doubt the fact that I doubt. Nevertheless, to raise this doubt, there must exist a doubter – me. Therefore I exist, the thinking, conscious me.

To my utter shock, this isn’t really the ultimate truth. This claim of standalone, independent knowledge, like every other claim you are probably ever going to hear, depends on other claims. Firstly, substances (for example, I in the ‘therefore I exist’) must exist. Secondly, it must be true that thinking must be associated with this substance - i.e. a thought must not be able to exist by itself without the thinker. As empiricists simply ask, ‘How do you know?’ So, it isn’t all that ultimate, is it?

So, what is the knowledge anyway, when even the very fundamental truth may not be what it seems?

You can go 'The Dude' way to almost any claim - "Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man". Now, if you want to argue with 'The Dude', you must be awesome enough to use six commas in a sentence!

Bed Bugs - The Ultimate Solution

When I first realized that bed bugs exist, I was scared. I didn’t know how to deal with them. I was not sure what risks they posed and what I had to do to get rid of them. I didn’t even know how to identify a bed bug until I researched online. Every time I detected a bed bug, I would kill it without mercy and dispose of the body. I would search for more of them in the vicinity and kill them all. I would hope that I killed them all, only knowing deep inside that it is the tip of the iceberg. I used to live in sort of discomfort, knowing that I am not alone on my bed. Slowly, I understood that I needed to be more systematic.

I started the learning process. I browsed through to see what problems they posed to my health and the solutions. It turns out the main problem is nuisance if you are sensitive to the bite. I am not sensitive to any shit, so I was somewhat comforted but still wanted to get rid of them. What if I become sensitive later? As it turns out there are not many ultimate solutions to the problem without setting your house on fire. Undeterred, I cleaned my whole place and used insecticides. I bought a new bed and washed all my sheets for the first time ever. I isolated the bed from the floor by covering the legs with water filled bowls. It was a complete job and it indeed seemed to work, at first.

Now I am a kind of man who wants to get things done once and for all. Maintenance is not my thing. So when I applied the whole bed bugs solution, I wasn’t anticipating that they would return again. I simply assumed that they ceased to exist. But weeks went by and they are back again. More in numbers, only to find me too lazy to get off my ass and clean again. I knew it cannot go on forever, I had to do something which would end the war.

This time I came up with a better solution. The ultimate solution. One that will never fail.

First, to find the root of the problem, I had to dig deep. Not into some holes on sides of doors, but into my mind. I introspected myself and my insecurities towards the creatures. I understood that the problem is in my mind rather than on the bed. No one is an enemy if you don’t want to fight them. I changed my attitude towards bed bugs. I realized that all they want is to live. And if it involves sucking some human blood, they are not to be blamed, it is in their nature. So I accepted them thus. I let them co-exist on my bed. They do, probably in thousands. But I don’t feel them anymore, nor are they annoying. If my giving up a small amount of my blood can help feed so many lives, it should probably add some karma to my souls account, I reckon. Though I don’t give a fuck about the karma stuff, it helps with the reasoning, So I let it stay. When I find a bed bug these days (or a dozen), I don’t kill it, I remember that it is part of the food chain. It is just incidental that it is higher on the chain than I am. In addition, knowing that I am not the king of the jungle keeps me humble.

Indifference

Where does it come from, but pain?

When you want me to give up my love for your prejudice

When you want all or nothing

When you can’t see that everything is not black and white

When semantics matter more than trust

When you ask me to stand up to some anthem

When you tell me what to eat and how to behave

When you tell me that two wrongs make a right

When you ask me to prove a negative

When you label me with your ignorance

It hurts when I can’t remove the blinds off your eyes

It hurts when I try and you laugh

So I laugh rather than try

Maredumilli

Few things in life live up to the hype when, they are in fact, hyped. I was then a bit wary to burden this holiday plan with expectations. We were waiting for it to happen. To catch a break. To have a well deserved holiday. To reboot. To finally go on a perfect tour with the best of friends to the best of places and do the best of things. Yes, so many expectations. This one lived up.

Apart from the purity of the place, it had one more advantage. There was no communication to the outside world. Paradise, it was.

‘Birds Nest’, the resort we stayed, is unique in that there is nothing on either side of the resort except wild jungles. A river stream flows through a side. There are mountains all round, covered in rich green. The nights are pitch dark, silent and you can see stars like diamonds. You can try counting them but there are too many.

We spent three days doing pretty much nothing. We stared at the greenery, the mountains all around us, the stream. There was silence, disturbed only by the never-ending rush of the stream. We laughed freely, and we smoked.

At some point after midnight

I was swinging and laughing

I was high and dancing

Music was the colour, it was the wild that was dancing

I felt the warmth of fire on my back

I saw the brightest things in pitch dark

I faced the forest and the darkness beyond

Catching hold of stars, hiding behind green leaves

The forest ate away the past and the darkness, the future

I realized, I was part of it

Nothing Less Than Me

Not to give too much away, but I had my way

Not to say I always had a soul mate, but I don’t see the point

Some good times, few bad times

As long as it was not awkward, it was good. Or it was bad

No, I am not wasted, but it was fun when it lasted

People came and people went, few remained

I adored some, I adore some.

I regret some, what was I thinking

Ah the beauty of a good friend

Too bad, I only found a few

Call it laziness or pride, never did I doubt myself

Loneliness was always around, not always did I curse myself

I lived in music and dirt

In books and dreams

Loved things and people

Never did I stop loving, never was it enough

More than dreams and soul mates

Loved myself more than anything else

What was the payback?

Nothing less than me..

Stuff - September 2015

Travelled a lot, learnt a lot.

Don’t ask me how and what, its complicated.

Been to the jungles and the beaches.

Made new friends, and lost my soul.

At least some part of it.

That’s the neat poem summarizing my travels last month or so, if not comprehensive or accurate. I travelled to Maredumilli in forests of AP, I travelled to Mahabaleshwar with family and then finished off with a trip to Goa. Holiday season for you. All fun, in their own way, but I learnt something in Goa. It is hard to be lonely. Yes, I, of all people, felt lonely when left alone to my devices in a street full of booze and whatnot. Somehow, it didn’t seem good enough. Maybe the place wasn’t, it was crowded and messy. I didn’t have a plan or a good book. I was restless in some way. I was depressed a whole day after coming back - my longest stretch in memory. I can’t say if it is something with me. Maybe I will go to some other place and I can be happy alone again. After all, how can I get a better company?

My biggest trouble right now are bed bugs. And I can’t even feel them properly.

Of course I am not counting my parents who are resolute on getting me married off to some girl with peanuts for brain. Not on my watch, father.

Neither am I counting the stagnation phase I seem to be always in. But does that count as a problem, like technically? Or is it the only one that matters, man?

Future holds good things, yeah. I have a birthday coming up for starters. Well, let’s just say future holds things.

Update: Bed bugs are out, at least I scared them enough to make them stay out of my sight. Stagnation turned out to be a valid problem, one which needs a solution. And family, yeah. 

Stoned and Drunk

Only stoned in this case. Never mix alcohol with a good joint, it makes you sick.

It was the fourth time I was trying. I didn’t get any buzz the first three times which I figured was something to do with me rather than the magic leaf. So I was intent on trying as many times as it takes to break into my mind. So I rolled up a joint which looked fucked up. God knows how I had to sort it into a shape recognizable. Then I smoked it. This time I did it right, as has been told by the masters. I took it deep into lungs and didn’t let it go for four proper seconds. This messed me up bad, I was coughing like crazy (mostly because the joint I put together was shitty), saliva drooling out of mouth, I ran to the sink to clean. Somehow, I managed to get a few good hits and put the joint off at half-length. I accepted that this is another failed attempt and I was just recovering from all the coughing when suddenly I realized that the vision is blurring. It was working at last!

So I sat down and tried to relax. Which was tough because my flatmate was knocking on my door. To ask me about something very inconsequential presumably. I didn’t want to be seen high and make him nervous – he is a delicate boy. So I ignored him and tried to focus on things I wanted to do. Focus is a bitch when you are stoned because your mind is like a train going through a wild place. It shifts and turns from one thing to another, without letting you know. It took me a proper 10 minutes to open my mail.

By the time I did open my mail, checked it somewhat and logged out, I totally lost where I was, I forgot that I already checked my mail. So I logged in again only to realize then that I already did it before. So I checked the mails again to see an ad there from some website saying ‘writing reviews can make you rich’. This line stayed with me For A minute or so before I realized something was screwed up about it. How can writing reviews on hotel and travelling websites make you rich, right? So now that I knew something was amiss here, I need to revisit that line to figure out where I read the damn thing. I drifted away and somehow came back to that thought in my head. But I forgot where I read it by that time. So I had to rewind back and strain a bit to recollect that it was from the mail. So I focused my eyes back onto the Lappy screen, changed the tabs to the mail with difficulty and searched for the mail in question. It took me a few glances around to find this mail, which was right at the top of inbox. So I read it again, this time with all the concentration I can gather as ‘How to write reviews that can make you rich’. I read it twice to make sure that I was reading it right and this one made sense, more or less. So I was satisfied, the world wasn’t ending yet. I logged out. The whole mail ordeal took me a good half-an-hour or more, can’t be sure because keeping track of time is also out.

My flatmate meanwhile was knocking away at my door all the time and it was making me anxious. I tried to listen to some Porcupine tree or something but it was adding to the anxiety. The thing about trance music is – it will take you to another level of pure joy when you are relaxed to start with, but if you are under some pressure or worry, it adds to the scare. So I put up a good comic movie ‘Lock, stock..’. It was especially good because I already watched it many times before and hence didn’t need to focus at all. I laughed when I understood a jokes and plot points but other than that, I was mainly staring at a screen with moving pictures.

Then I watched some Youtube comedy, waited till I was sure that my flatmate was asleep and got a plate, ate some food and lay on the bed - four hours after I smoked the joint. I was more in a trance state than I was sleeping the whole night, it was beautiful. The whole experience was as beautiful as it was weird, and I can get used to the weird part!

Update: Got stoned a couple more times now, getting a hang of it. It isn’t like anything I experienced before, you are left in totally a different state of mind. Alcohol is a lot more shitty and harmful compared to this. So, here are the links for those willing to learn more before applying their moral code upon the world: Myths, How does it feel really? I mean really?, Is it harmful? It is not magic either, caution is good, Where does this country – India - stand, The cause.

Give Up

You win some, you lose some. You try to win more than lose. You can fight hard for that and you try to improve yourself, it helps to have a target. But when the only thing in mind is beating the opposition without regard to the fight in itself, without appreciating the virtues of the game or work, when the target is to get ahead of someone irrespective of where you want to be, it is time to retrospect what it is that you set out to be and what has been happening since.

So, you don’t persist on some fights all together, you let them go. Because it is you who have to decide whether it is worth the effort and time. There may be better things to fight for, better things to slug out than straining over some battles you consider inconsequential,  just because you are compelled to by circumstances, or agonized  and enraged by some people. You don’t throw stones in mud, because you may have wars worth fighting, waiting ahead.

It takes some courage to do that – to give up – when people are watching and waiting to see you complete what you started. As if these people own a part of your battle and they are entitled to see you bleed and sweat over things irrespective of the worth of whole thing to you. They laugh at you when you fall, they do cheer when you succeed, but they are disappointed when you call it off, and they want to see you fight back, because they are invested in your efforts and struggle, irrespective of the results. These people, you can forgive, but don’t forget.

So, I run my own race, keep my own score, independent of the world around – at least I try. I change, to sync my goals to the changing circumstances and make situations compatible with my to-do thing. But I can’t let time and people change the goal posts, because fuck them both.

Time will heal - for now

‘Time will no longer heal.’ Yes, that maybe the a news headline one day and it may be sufficiently clear to everyone involved to quit depending on time for all the healing they need. But until that time, I will continue assuming that it works. I have not only heard many fools say this, which should be proof enough, but I have firsthand experience now.

I have gone through rough and slow times, seen my best people drown in sorrows, where hope was not to be seen and the tunnel seemed a bit too long to endure.

But there was this light, at least which I can see. And now my beliefs have came true, confirming what I knew from start, that the light is inevitably there (in most cases at least), the question simply is how far away. In fact as it turns out, it doesn’t take an awful lot of time to heal either. The light isn’t that far away (if you don’t pay too much attention to time, that is). Rear mirrors on vehicles come with great wisdom - ‘Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear’ – and you are not charged a penny extra for this piece of awesomeness.

Stuff - May 2015

There are some things which, if you think of them as a chore, its ok not to do. Like bathing, isn't it just a bit overrated? Yes, hygiene, yes. But, how life threatening dirty can one get to be in a couple of days. So, not taking a bath is all right. You can't force a bath, you can't push it, because you don't need to. It has to come to you. And it did come to me-twice this last week or so..

Was talking about Gujarat riots the other day and people think it is ok that a thousand innocent Muslims were killed as revenge against killers of 60 priests. I can’t even digest the fact that these people are well educated, well meaning persons.

Communism vs. capitalism.. One more thing added to the list of things I'd want to write a very concise yet comprehensive analysis of. Such a complicated and equally important debate that. Just like the topic - practical uses of philosophy.

Ah, the pain, in my heart.. (my rhetorical heart). Where does this come from? What is missing here and can I ever fill it up. I am one of everyone else, trying to get by to the shore. Taking help and helping along. Sometimes, I just ask myself - 'what exactly is the fucking point dude'. The answer invariably involves the question 'what else is there?' (Not a rhetorical question either)

Time will no longer heal.

Stuff - April 2015

Is life ever a destination? I always used to think that the journey is important not the destiny. Fuck no, that only works if you think death is a destination, otherwise it is just the journey until the end with a few landmarks on the way to measure the distance.

I see people who are so insecure about their lives, girls working in BPOs, college kids who don't know shit, walking around on roads. They are so confident while crossing. They do not care that it is a green signal and the vehicles are in a hurry. Everyone has to stop because they are too busy to be careful, to stand a minute in the pollution for the red, no. I have friends who have dogs with better sense. I am shit scared of crossing even a small lane.  I’d rather be on a vehicle than under it, thank you.

Death metal is the real deal man. Apparently, there is a song titled 'Cumming blood' or something to that effect, by none other than the ever-likeable cannibal corpse. Not saying it is weird. To the contrary, my contention is - anyone who can listen to that stuff, understand it, appreciate it and listen again has the mental capacity to achieve great things in life.. aaaand is probably high.

If you can work for a full day in office, get back home and have the intention of reading for 3 hours, it is not commitment and focus. It is the fear of writing the fucking exam the second time next year. It is fear, my friend. Apparently, I do not have enough of it.

If I failed the most important exam of my life - twice - because of random shit luck, I don't know if I could have handled it. I probably would have handled it, but I am not sure. I don't know because I never failed at anything really (yeah, I am boring). But my best friend did. She failed THE exam. Yet, she handled it as if it was a joke. She stood strong and shrugged it off like some dust on the collar. That is the real deal.

I live in a flat now with flat mates. They are so cool - no one shows their face except on an odd unlucky weekend. I could not have asked for a better deal. But the laundry is a problem every week. Couldn't they make formal clothes that work for a couple of months without maintenance.. like a bike or something.

So much for the being alive. I wish someone just made a food pill – you pop it in once in the morning and you are good until tomorrow. Some people live to eat. I confess doing that sometimes – some foods are to die for really (even with the guilt of killing animals). But many times, it really is a chore.

Vegetarianism is very interesting. If you remove the dogma of religious or cultural influence, it still makes sense. Maybe we do not have the right to cause such terrible pain to an animal after all. I am not bothered about killing an animal, which was farmed essentially to be killed. The real issue is the way these animals get treated while alive. Someday, I will have enough courage to give up eating meat. I mean, if I do not have the option of a food pill, you don’t expect me to suffer eating vegetables all the time! I would be in more pain than the animals, just inhuman.

And FC Barcelona is looking good, again \^^/. I am so mesmerized by Messi, every time he plays these days. 

Stuff - March 2015

What if the alarm ring tone adapts to be the background music of the dream.. You wake up in the afternoon, that’s what happens.

Was surprised to find that Lonavala has a dedicated market for Chikki..Yes, people consume enough Chikki to sustain a whole supply system..

I don't know a better way of laying low and relaxing than taking out the 'To kill a mockingbird' and reading a couple of pages. Especially when you have read it all a couple of times already.. It gets better with the amount of time spent on it.. Kind of like old wine.

For all my enthusiasm to become a philosopher, I can't understand what in the hell Kant proposes.. The ideas are so abstract that it hurts. I guess it's just one more bridge to cross.

Was arguing with a buddy when he accused someone on personal level, behind the persons back obviously (he doesn’t have the guts), based on nothing really, because he doesn't like interacting with her on other grounds. I called bullshit on him even though I don't like that person myself. You can express your opinions whenever you have reasonable basis to support your ground. It’s something to be in conflict with someone, but no one has a right to make baseless judgments about someone’s personal lives. Just not acceptable. That guy is a little less of a buddy to me now.

The amount on nuisance created by biased opinions based on false concepts of ideals, sentiments, culture, patriotism, religion, morals, fashion, social media is mind-blowing. The problem is that it is so hard to make people see over all the smoke of emotional investment made into their beliefs.. As it turns out, it’s better to laugh it off than teach a donkey to write, unless of course the donkey already came to know to read.

‘Whiplash’ – What a movie. This is why I was disappointed in our own ‘Rockstar’. It didn’t have a JK Simmons and nothing much except AR Rehman. At the end of the day, it was a mere teen with a love story. The heroin doesn’t die soon enough.

Running out of years

I am improving. I am like running inventory; new stuff comes in and washes over the old one every couple of months. I learn new things. The old me, me a few months old, was a joke, an impressionist, a learner, a trial or error phase, a dreamer, a work in progress. Unsurprisingly, the present me is the same. A bit improved nonetheless. And the future me isn't going to be a finished product either. I hope not. I hope to have something to aspire to until I die. Or I will die soon.

In this cycle, I've lost count of all the new years passing through me, all the birthday wishes I couldn't care less about, all the pages in the calendar torn away. They matter only when I need to use them as an excuse to party like an animal or lament all my losses lamely, or to recollect and keep track of the near past, count my gains and write-off the losses.

It was a big year, I wonder, every year from now on had better be a big one. I got the break I wanted, my brother got married whether he wanted or not, my parents are satisfied – temporarily. People left, new ones came. And I, at last, came into my groove. The past few months, things are looking up, I am getting productive, less distracted, caring less about people whom I shouldn't have noticed in the first place. News is, my philosophy is not a beta version anymore, I've passed the pilot phase.  Now I have a functional philosophy, with which I can get things done. I have the reasoning now to justify my actions and the confidence not to feel the need to justify. I can deal with stuff now. I am not afraid to fail. I will try different things, I will fall. I have the confidence now to get up and try again without being weary at staring eyes. Or that is the idea at least. 

I am learning to live, despite all the warnings, I will continue to do so. Existentialism happened, just like Objectivity happened, Atheism was a distant basic and many phases passed by. If I am not questioning something these days, I am probably not bothered about it. Who knows where this exploration will leave me when the dust settles. Again, I hope it never settles.

Judging People

We live in a democracy. A democracy is the height of judgment. We give politicians the power to cheat and rule. We decide which politicians deserve this power and then talk about on how and why they did so. All based on half knowledge, smart guesses at best. So to start off; let’s remember that we accept this as a standard (and in fact advocate democracy and governments). We believe in right of majorities and most people who are not well educated think that socialism is the best form of government. One cousin of mine went so far as to say that we need monarchs to control us. And he has a master’s degree. This isn’t a very uncommon notion in our society. Our society, as it stands, strongly believes that majorities (and elected monarchs) should have the right to decide how the minorities live (unless you are a minority, in which case you want the minority to rule over the majority). Individual preferences and circumstances be damned.

The above isn’t my point. I strongly believe that the ideas in the above para are not ideal. But I had to mention the above example of what people accept as normal in our (messed up) society so that those who get offended when they think they are judged and commented on check where they stand.

I am the last one to judge someone without substantial information. I strongly oppose decisions and actions based on half-information or on information which cannot be reasonably assumed.

Problem is, it isn’t black and white. No one has a right never to be offended. As Ricky Gevais famously says, it depends on the joke. In this case, the facts of the case and the comment. And what the ultimate objective, or point made in the judgment thereof, is. When someone expresses an opinion which is reasonable and based on facts, one need not necessarily be offended. If a non-religious person says that a person is immoral or ignorant or idiotic simply based on the fact he is a Hindu or Christian, believes in a God etc., it is offensive, accepted. That is not the same as saying that ‘Hinduism/ Christianity are not very much logically consistent’. This is at the core of what I am trying to put out here.

If a first person says to me that I am bald. I say, yes of course. If some second stranger says that I don’t look handsome without any hair on my head; I say ‘maybe not, not that it is any of your business, Asshole’. Even though I don’t like talking to strangers, I get where he is coming from. But if som third guy comes up and shouts outright that I am ugly, then I have a case to get offended and justifiably look for some sort of recourse. The first statement is a fact (a pretty grounded one at that). The second statement is an opinion, but a neutral person can understand that it is not outrageous even if I am personally not totally comfortable with the idea. Being a person who is somewhat self-aware, I don’t mind being called out on not being the sexiest guy alive. If I am not mistaken, most bald men know that this is the case with them too. So, it is a reasonable statement. Even if it not a scientifically accurate statement which can be proven without objections, I don’t get to be offended. The other person is just expressing an opinion which is reasonable and justifiable before a jury of reasonable people. The third statement (calling me ugly) is simply uncalled for. The word ugly is quite subjective in the first place and even if I am not handsome, I am certainly bearable in terms of looks. So is your average man who happened to be bald. I know it’s a very fine line and sometimes easily neglected but it is there nevertheless. The way to express that comment, and the need or the trigger for it matters.

I can’t just keep shouting curses and commenting at someone even if I know them to be true when they are not my business and do not affect my world. That case is a problem. But if I have reasonable cause to express an opinion and then do it such that I merely am expressing myself rather than create a fuss around it, that should be fine.

For instance, if a guy is failing an exam since four attempts (four years). And let’s say that exam is his only target off late and yet he isn’t making much progress. How many attempts can he justify failing hopelessly even with many mental and personal problems (assuming he has reasonable family and financial conditions to pursue the education)? And if I express my doubt that just maybe, he isn’t suited to the course, or maybe he is too unstable to sustain the strain, does that amount to bad judgment? Can I call him out and say that he should be doing a better job and that he disappointed up until this point, or that he is simply distracted/ lazy and can he get his act together, please?  Where do my comments or opinions stop being reasonable statements based on facts and start being ‘ugly’ offensive? Surely, calling him ‘loser’ is offensive, right, because he may be very good at something else but stuck with this exam? What if this guy has been my friend for long and is nagging a lot of times about how it is tough being him, without taking any action about the situation? Do I still not get to say anything that touches his sensibilities? What if I know that he choose to write this exam and he is intelligent enough to pass it out before four attempts if he put his concentration on it?

All decisions (and hence actions) a man takes are based on what he does or doesn’t believe (principles). If a person didn’t work on his reasoning and principles when he had a choice, he will end up believing what others tell you to. I worked my ass off to be wherever I am, both on principles and on my knowledge. Many guys I know succeeded because they worked. And everyone is where they are solely because of the work they did on themselves (at least in case of normal childhood and no disabilities). Now if a person’s life is messed-up, then that is the reality of the matter. The reason is probably with that guy, and what he did when he had the chance to build his life. Consequently his standards, which are a reflection of his belief systems, are going to be below par because he may not even know that standards matter.

He don’t get to feel sensitive when I look at world around me based on my standards and say that his standards are low comparatively. Just like it isn’t my problem if he brought himself to be in this position, it shouldn’t be my problem that he gets offended as a direct consequence me saying what seems to be reasonably the case (only when I have to, mind you). Maybe you can prove that his standards are a lot higher than what I think of them and make me eat my words and I will accept that I had wrong information, in which case you still don’t get to be offended because I spoke the truth as I knew it then.

Matter of fact is that most people who do not want to be offended by being called out on their actions/ decisions/ failures are invariably people trying to manage their anxiety and weakness of character simply by avoiding those sensitive topics. They made mistakes in their lives which they don‘t want to look back on. They are not interested in untangling the mess, and hence lock them up, as skeletons in a closet. Even when a mistake is not theirs, they are still guilty because they only choose to lock it in their closet instead of dealing with it. As these skeletons are accumulated in the closet, it becomes too much to even think about its existence. And they are scared to death at the prospect of remembering that it exists. They would rather die with it than open it. So they expect others to shut up about these glaring issues so that they don’t have to face their insecurity. Simply put, they use others to manage themselves and expect others to comply willingly. In other words, they want others to hide their opinions and lie (or not speak the truth) in order to satisfy their inferior motives.

For one thing, no one has a right to demand me to lie or not express myself as long as I am reasonable. Secondy, We live among other people. We are all influenced by and influence the circle of people around us. As such, I have a right not to have negative influences brought out by some others. If we know each other and if you express directly or by actions that you are having a tough time, that you are fighting all sorts of financial and personal issues, that the world is rough and you failed because you don’t have a choice, I get to say ‘Aren’t you the main reason it is tough for you? Is it that hard to figure? You didn’t educate yourself when you had the chance, you got influenced by the wrong people by your free will, you did many things wrong when you had the chance to do it right, didn’t you?’

I will even put blame on your parents for not teaching you to teach yourself. I am well within my rights to say all that simply because you are a part of my world and I want it to be better than that. So you have to improve, or at least face the mistakes you made and connect with that reality. The only other option is that I will stop connecting with you even without my conscious effort. Whatever may be the outcome of the situation, there is no case for anyone to get offended/ hurt/ insulted whatsoever by my statements as long as my they are grounded in facts of situation. It is not necessary that I walk in your shoes or that I write your biography. But you may say that the reality is that that person is in fact hurt despite all the above ‘theory’. Then I will say that it is his problem to deal with, another small bone to add to the skeletons, and he alone is responsible for it.

Of Secret Santas and Cancelled tours.

What is it that we gain by giving something? Why is it that we feel happy when someone else is happy with something we give. I need to study this more. Secret Santa happened. I dealt with it. I wasn't against it. It was not religious; it was like an excuse for celebration, like a birthday or a new year. Anyways, anything to break the routine I guess.

Goa – The beach and the booze. How much I need it. We had a good plan to go, Goa and gone. But there was a problem. I was the only one in for the gone part. The others were not interesting enough. My mind has a very 'pure' idea of Goa. I couldn't pollute it by associating it with people who can't do enough, can't take a different path or walk a bit crooked for the heck of it. People think they can decide right or wrong based on what they were told in schools and at home. I'd rather stay home than tolerate that. Backed out of it. Tour cancelled.

Suicide

My favourite football club, FCB, is playing like shit these days. Nolan's Interstellar is not the biggest hit ever. I ate too much and the toilets in this train smell. See, I have my problems. Doesn't mean I am going to end my life. I will fight against all such odds, but too much cold is the limit, this winter had better be nice. Anyways, why not. What is so wrong with suicide? Let me play the devil's advocate, thanks for the claps.

No, I am not totally insane (only selectively). I know that suicide is stupid. And that is the major reason you shouldn't commit it. Although it's your wish to whether die or not (depending on how much you love your loved ones), it is pretty dumb. After all, there is nothing else out of this. This is the only time you will not be a stone or dirt or any other form of matter. You are alive, able to move by all by your free will. That is awesome enough. Really, life is all the inspiration we need to live (apart from some music and beer) and you really are dumb if you want to give up this cool thing going on for you. The only thing worse than a man killing himself would be a man killing himself believing that he will live in some other form or shape after that.

Now that I have said that and ensured that I will not be considered a psycho with an agenda for suicide, I will fine-tune the topic a bit. Let us consider - what could be a valid reason to consider ending it all? I know, let's just put it out there. Losing everything like money, friends & family may not be valid. Something horrible happening, like a murder or such of your closest people, all your life's achievements taken away, your trust broken in the worst possible way. If you didn't do anything your whole life, didn't have the courage to face hardship, didn't have anything to start with and the same story of billions. No. All the more reason to stay and change it. What you lost is sunk cost and all the sadness and weeping aside, you can do nothing about it but live and try to achieve more of it later. That would be the best-case scenario. At the very least, you can make the most of the misery by laughing at it all (Bukowski?) Therefore, in most cases, there is no excuse for suicide if you are rational.

I am not talking of laws and morals here. Our laws are the reason some people believe dictatorship is better than democracy (Yes, such people exist). Laws should not matter as long as you aren't hurting someone else and morals don't apply if you are alone in a jungle. If you are considering suicide, that is where you are for all practical purposes.

We live towards a goal, happiness mostly (which popularly means money). Some live towards sacrifice and achievement. It is also a combination. Similarly for me. The fact that I am doing something, enjoying myself while I am around, meaning something to someone else. These things keep me going. But for how long. Let's say I peak, live happily and all that stuff for a long time. But, there will be a point when I am old, when all that I am going to achieve is already achieved by me or I fucked up and missed it in the quest. Let's say I am not really enjoying myself either, what with all the fucked-up aches in my body at old age, and I may or may not have anyone around I'd like to take care of either. At that stage, I am not going to get any younger or better and importantly, I will not have anything to look forward to except bedtime with diseases and struggle against time for the sake of it. In this case, what should I prefer? Should I stay because it sets a bad example? Because it is against the law? Because it makes less of my legacy? Because it is immoral? Tell you what, I don't give a shit about what others think or do after I am dead (not that I care too much now either). And any law out there is just someone else's opinion as long as I don't hurt anyone else. As I say, I don't care about opinions (especially opinions of groups). If it comes to that, if I happen to be at that cross road, I will simply die knowing that I am happy at that moment. That I lived well, through good and bad, and I came out happy. What else can a man ask for? That would be a good end to my life. I will choose not to go through the pain of slow death and helplessness of old age and loneliness of being all by myself. If things are good even without me, I guess my time would be up. The party will be over and it will be time to sleep. Why would I live when there is nothing left for me?

I would rather be dust than endure pain for the sake of living.

I do not like stereotypes.

Ps: I still maintain that a person wanting to die should have a right to do so in any scenario. However dumb it may be on his part, it is his decision. If he can't bring his own light to the darkness, no one can on his behalf. At least not when he isn't bothered about the light