Fucking 20 16 man

I don't know if I'll ever get over this damn period, man. The second half. The last 6 months or so. 2016 will be an year to remember, and somehow get over with.

I mean, I am lucky to be alive. Saying I was lucky seems like a depreciation of what happened. A fucking miracle happened. And I am still here, in person. Really. 

In July 2016, I survived the accident of my life. Not just that, I didn't kill my best friends either. We all got away without a scratch. Somehow.

If that was alright, listen to this. I was on the verge of losing the love of my life months later. All due to some really silly handling of situations. I honestly had to give up at certain points of time. I had lost hope and courage that anything good will ever happen with me. That is how bad it was, and it turned out not to be the worst thing ever either. I mean, this could have been the worst thing ever. Rather, I am somewhat better placed now, considering everything.

Better placed is the term I guess. Mainly because of experience. Exposure to really tough shit. To confess, I have only myself to blame for these things. That, however, doesn't take anything away from the shittiness.

Many other important things happened. I made big roadways in my life personally and professionally. I even had the time to worry that there was an outside chance that Brexit and Donald Trump would happen. Outside chance. But those are all peripheral. Not a matter in the end.

One thing that indeed matters is that we watched Steven Wilson, Live. In person and in all the glory of the Raven.

Well, apart from that. What matters, what I will remember for as long as I live and what I will probably never get over is that I almost lost both of them. My life, and the love of my life. Almost. 

BORN IN WINTER

One day you'll walk the world, AND KEEP IN  MIND

The heart you've been given in WINTER TIME

And through the bitter cold, with OPENED EYES

You'll find the STRENGTH to FIGHT AND STAND UP-RIGHT

---
Born in Winter - Gojira, France
---

You have to shout your lungs out when you utter the lyrics in Caps. Otherwise you are not doing it right. No.

Also, UP-RIGHT is just UPRIGHT. But you need to stress on the two words which make it up, giving it the required meaning.

Also, some songs are songs. Some songs are anthems, you live by them.

She's got Wings

She feels too much. When she loves, she loves to her last breathe. She foregoes everything and everyone for love. She gives it the power to destroy her. She knows of no other way. She loves with every bit of her energy. And she is a fighter. She fights for the love she deserves. Nothing less.

When that love comes back to destroy her, she doesn't hide. She shows up. She takes the blows. She feels every moment of the pain. Every inch of the lash. Every small detail of the torture. Not because she wants to. But because it is love that is hurting her. She loves too much to run away now. For her, the pain is just another of its faces. And so she lets love thrash her to the ground. With tears in her eyes, she falls. The broken angel.

But that is not why she is strong. She is strong because she still doesn't stop loving. She still doesn't let go. She still cares. Like a mother, she will always nurture her love. She will heal. Slowly, she starts to smile. Though the scars remain, she let's go of the pain. The tears still roll out at nights, but she is too bright to lay low. She still has the courage to trust. To let go, forgive. To still care. She still is brave enough. Even after seeing what love can do to her. She knows she will be beaten again. Her scars remind her the pain she has endured.

She is strong because the scars can't stop her from flying again. Her wings might be bruised but they are not broken. She may be a fallen angel. Her strength is that she will raise again.

She is magic because she isn't afraid to be vulnerable.

This Hollowness

Its deep
This hollowness in me
In what I'd like to call.. Me

Its deep and it is dark
It is so deep and dark
That I am afraid of it
Of looking into it
Of delving in it
Of diving into it
I am so afraid of this dark pit
Most times, I act like it doesn't exist

Fact is, it just is
No meaning or verse
No poem in its depth
Barren in language
No flavor or rhyme
Very hard to find
It just is

Its the futility of this life
It is where everything is coming from
Where everything ends up
Its the futility of good and bad
Of happiness, sad
Of death and life

It is the lack of things to describe it
It is not meaningless,
It is, in fact, The Meaninglessness
The Vacuum - before, after, and in the now
It is everything that I am not
And its deep

Found in waking light

It's a lovely life
With conditions and shit

As long as you avoid the mainstream
As long as you go with what you think is right

Found in waking light
In fading stars
Life is never pretentious

The story of you and me
In those days
Is better than what we will ever have

When we found out that we could change
We lived the change
At the speed of sound

These Sunday Mornings

Lazy as a log. Don't want to move out of here.

But so much guilt. So much fear.

I'd rather have a nice time. Gulp a beer.

But no, chores wait. Need to get them clear.

Here I am, fighting my demons
Things to do, over things to dream
A cozy afternoon, is way too costly
I need to get up, get my hands dirty

Pretending that I have a choice 

What is Death metal? But why?

It's hard to say, really.

Its about the aggression I guess. Controlled aggression. Rebellious and honest. As against pretentious, easy to do, and attention seeking forms of music. As against the hypocrisy of the formulas used by soceity to decide good and bad. As against God and everything that means. As against life, and what death means. Much in the lines of heavy metal and its philosophy, but darker. The music is definitely better than everything else out there. The skills of the musicians involved - second to none.

Well, the growls are there for a reason. They express things which words by themselves can't express well. Mostly sad things. Sometimes angry things. Sometimes brutal things. Mostly a combination.

The point is, the growling vocals are to be considered an instrument by itself, without considering the literal content. The tone of the growls, the depth in there. Having said that, the lyrics in death metal are extremely insightful. Well, extreme and insightful.

Especially Doom metal, a branch of death metal. Doom metal lyrics are sad. Very sad. They talk about things like loneliness, lost love and regrets, about death and the meaninglessness of life. The tempo is slow. And heavy. Like bass heavy, but melodic because the tempo is slow. The growling vocals talking about solitude, combined with the slow, building guitar and bass riffs, with drums setting the tone. It touches me in intangible places.

The Food Obsession

My family, it revolves around food. I don't understand!

My mom wakes up with the sole purpose of making breakfast, then bugs everyone to eat it - 'it's already 11'! The world will end now.

Don't waste the breakfast, who will eat it later!
Then comes lunch, evening snacks (nothing less than lunch) and then dinner.

Every meal preceded by what to cook, how much and how. A Sunday morning wouldn't pass without a two hour argument on what to eat and why.

Then the question of how much remained of the dinner, is there anyone who can act as the dustbin and eat it please? You ate so little, are you ok? We have to wash the dishes, quick! Finish it off!

The next day, the same, eat the breakfast, it is hot!

The whole world revolves around food, dammit. I don't understand! A party? What food. You don't drink? I love eating. What is your passion? I am a foodie. Why are you so fit? I exercise. Oh, you are not eating well, that's why! The fuck, man.

The Monsoon

The first drops, like diamonds in muddy lands
Announcing the arrival of mighty thunders, wet storms
The birds scared away, running into their familiar darkness
The river bursts in joyous tears
The trees twist and turn, can't run

The pain of the summer heat, paid off
On time this time, an old friend visits
Pushes away the sun with a mighty swing of its wings

I bear witness to the unbearable force of nature
My dear nature,
Of which I am so scared, yet long

Memories

Stacks of CDs piled together one after another
Cycle tubes thrown together, in this particular sequence
Slices of cake, before they are cut

They happened for real
Or so you fear
How far from truth can be a memory
How wrong can be the grey matter stickers
Impersonating time in their mirrors

The regrets and remorse, they don't quit
The love and hypocrisy
Which makes memories sweet
Or turns you into blasphemy

But if only you could have been better
If only you did it this way, not that
No, they would not be better
Time does not know better

It is there, time
It was and will be, it is as well
It is like a reservoir, holding
It holds it beautifully
In the dimension of reality
The only true version, the cruelty

The memories they fade
Because memories are photographs, torn by time
They help you die, but drink some wine
Red and white, they give you flavor
Grey and white they turn with time

But time fades not
It is there
It holds the memory, in its care
Time is an encapsule, it holds you tightly
The only reality of many memories

And it does not let gray
The color of reality
It exists without flavor
It lacks what decays
It lacks personal taste and passion
But everything else, it has

It has, so can you, if you ask nicely
In some way, on some sunny day, someone will surely pray

Writing on the go

Yeah, that's the deal now.

I decided, all of a sudden, that I will write on the go. No more doing it in the organized way - i.e. writing a draft, editing, coloring, deleting, writing all over again and doing everything in my lappy.. Because, well, the organized way turned out to be inefficient in this case. Too little turn around you see, not good for business.

And come to think about it, writing should be fun
Whenever you want to, it should be done
So why not fuck the norms and let it flow.. hun?

That didn't flow well, did it? So, I'll write on my device and see how fucked up it can get. And believe me, it can get quite so, especially when I am not in the most sober of conditions.

The very good news is that my intention of keeping it well edited is still intact. Slightly modified to fit in the new working style though.

So much awesomeness in one snap, yeah?

So many awesome books, really special books. And GODLESS, an awesome band no less.

A River Runs Through It

Broke the guitar. Still Alive.

Thank you, Harper Lee.

What the fuck is a phone and why can’t it charge itself?

Some love was made for the lights,

Some kiss your cheek n’ good night

The bridges I’ve burnt

Some stagger and fall, 

After all, it’s not easy

I love you in my own way

And with nothing less than everything I have

I know the pieces fit, 
‘coz I watched them fall away

Why.. is the rum always gone?

And I stood there, thinking “this wine tastes of loneliness”

Comeback if you want to

And remember who you are

Did you know the thing about chaos

Damn the flood, I’ve come to end it all

“Winter, and a man walked into the street, dropped his glasses, and shot a dog. 
Summer, and he watched his children’s heart break.”

Smashed in my car window
Didn’t touch the stereo

Too much suffering in the world

And I take too little in

Validity of knowledge

Today I learned

About Descartes and his philosophy

The most important thing, for me, that Descartes does is search for an ultimate truth. One that is self evident, that which exists, and doesn’t need anything else to exist.

He does arrive at it - ‘I think, therefore I am’. Cogito, Ergo Sum. Whatever may or may not exist, whatever may be an illusion, there is one truth - the truth that I doubt the truth of other things. I, in fact, doubt the fact that I doubt. Nevertheless, to raise this doubt, there must exist a doubter – me. Therefore I exist, the thinking, conscious me.

To my utter shock, this isn’t really the ultimate truth. This claim of standalone, independent knowledge, like every other claim you are probably ever going to hear, depends on other claims. Firstly, substances (for example, I in the ‘therefore I exist’) must exist. Secondly, it must be true that thinking must be associated with this substance - i.e. a thought must not be able to exist by itself without the thinker. As empiricists simply ask, ‘How do you know?’ So, it isn’t all that ultimate, is it?

So, what is the knowledge anyway, when even the very fundamental truth may not be what it seems?

You can go 'The Dude' way to almost any claim - "Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man". Now, if you want to argue with 'The Dude', you must be awesome enough to use six commas in a sentence!

Bed Bugs - The Ultimate Solution

When I first realized that bed bugs exist, I was scared. I didn’t know how to deal with them. I was not sure what risks they posed and what I had to do to get rid of them. I didn’t even know how to identify a bed bug until I researched online. Every time I detected a bed bug, I would kill it without mercy and dispose of the body. I would search for more of them in the vicinity and kill them all. I would hope that I killed them all, only knowing deep inside that it is the tip of the iceberg. I used to live in sort of discomfort, knowing that I am not alone on my bed. Slowly, I understood that I needed to be more systematic.

I started the learning process. I browsed through to see what problems they posed to my health and the solutions. It turns out the main problem is nuisance if you are sensitive to the bite. I am not sensitive to any shit, so I was somewhat comforted but still wanted to get rid of them. What if I become sensitive later? As it turns out there are not many ultimate solutions to the problem without setting your house on fire. Undeterred, I cleaned my whole place and used insecticides. I bought a new bed and washed all my sheets for the first time ever. I isolated the bed from the floor by covering the legs with water filled bowls. It was a complete job and it indeed seemed to work, at first.

Now I am a kind of man who wants to get things done once and for all. Maintenance is not my thing. So when I applied the whole bed bugs solution, I wasn’t anticipating that they would return again. I simply assumed that they ceased to exist. But weeks went by and they are back again. More in numbers, only to find me too lazy to get off my ass and clean again. I knew it cannot go on forever, I had to do something which would end the war.

This time I came up with a better solution. The ultimate solution. One that will never fail.

First, to find the root of the problem, I had to dig deep. Not into some holes on sides of doors, but into my mind. I introspected myself and my insecurities towards the creatures. I understood that the problem is in my mind rather than on the bed. No one is an enemy if you don’t want to fight them. I changed my attitude towards bed bugs. I realized that all they want is to live. And if it involves sucking some human blood, they are not to be blamed, it is in their nature. So I accepted them thus. I let them co-exist on my bed. They do, probably in thousands. But I don’t feel them anymore, nor are they annoying. If my giving up a small amount of my blood can help feed so many lives, it should probably add some karma to my souls account, I reckon. Though I don’t give a fuck about the karma stuff, it helps with the reasoning, So I let it stay. When I find a bed bug these days (or a dozen), I don’t kill it, I remember that it is part of the food chain. It is just incidental that it is higher on the chain than I am. In addition, knowing that I am not the king of the jungle keeps me humble.

Indifference

Where does it come from, but pain?

When you want me to give up my love for your prejudice

When you want all or nothing

When you can’t see that everything is not black and white

When semantics matter more than trust

When you ask me to stand up to some anthem

When you tell me what to eat and how to behave

When you tell me that two wrongs make a right

When you ask me to prove a negative

When you label me with your ignorance

It hurts when I can’t remove the blinds off your eyes

It hurts when I try and you laugh

So I laugh rather than try

Maredumilli

Few things in life live up to the hype when, they are in fact, hyped. I was then a bit wary to burden this holiday plan with expectations. We were waiting for it to happen. To catch a break. To have a well deserved holiday. To reboot. To finally go on a perfect tour with the best of friends to the best of places and do the best of things. Yes, so many expectations. This one lived up.

Apart from the purity of the place, it had one more advantage. There was no communication to the outside world. Paradise, it was.

‘Birds Nest’, the resort we stayed, is unique in that there is nothing on either side of the resort except wild jungles. A river stream flows through a side. There are mountains all round, covered in rich green. The nights are pitch dark, silent and you can see stars like diamonds. You can try counting them but there are too many.

We spent three days doing pretty much nothing. We stared at the greenery, the mountains all around us, the stream. There was silence, disturbed only by the never-ending rush of the stream. We laughed freely, and we smoked.

At some point after midnight

I was swinging and laughing

I was high and dancing

Music was the colour, it was the wild that was dancing

I felt the warmth of fire on my back

I saw the brightest things in pitch dark

I faced the forest and the darkness beyond

Catching hold of stars, hiding behind green leaves

The forest ate away the past and the darkness, the future

I realized, I was part of it