My days of Dilemma - My path to Realization

I have a pretty clear idea about what my aim is in all the small interactions I have with other human beings out of my circle. To stay disconnected enough to avoid them from affecting me, unless it is someone I care about in which case I try to get them out of their misery if they let me, cause I can’t bear their suffering. This clear idea is not because I am socially awkward or something but because I believe that my happiness is my priority. And I have a very clear idea about when I am happy. The reason I avoid interaction with the other people is that they do not know what their happiness is and this renders them irrelevant and even destructive.

A persons’ philosophy is simply his principles and how he derives them. It is not just a vague theory subject which can get you a degree. It is what one believes and what one doesn’t. What one values. What one considers friendship, love and how one approaches the world. It is ones idea of what constitutes good, bad, ugly or irrelevant. And a very important WHY for all the what’s and how’s. The ground work. The basics. Everyone has an idea about this though it is not put into words usually. It is a simple enough concept. But most never have the patience, and sometimes courage, to think about it.

Many reasonable people can answer the what’s and how’s. Many can’t. But the key word in the above paragraph is the uppercase why. You can’t just give a why not or something to that affect there - that would be saying I don’t know why. You must understand the question at hand, decide its merits and virtues, decide its applicability to you, and then decide whether you accept it or not. And you must decide by your own cognition and reasoning capability. That is the only way to answer the why. And that is how you are sure. The key word in here is you. You must reason and decide.

Though I am not an expert, I’ve got a basic understanding of philosophy because I did not have it by birth and I desperately needed it at one point in life to avoid becoming a slave to the hypocritical society like most people around me. More than a point, it was a phase. I was hypocritical as everyone else, I was conflicted. I did not know whom to believe. I was better off than most at my age because I at least knew what everyone thought was right was not right. But I did not have the why. So I was somewhat doing what everyone was doing with a question mark attitude. This part of my life can be called ‘dilemma’ which had the following characteristics:

1. I was valuing what everyone valued.
2. There was no formula in my thought process to determine what was virtuous, right or wrong. My answers were always hesitant and somewhere in between. I was afraid of taking a stand. I could not judge clearly for myself and ended up feeling guilty whenever I was compelled to decide.
3. I went along believing sacrifice and charity was the ultimate goal of life.
4. I was thinking that happiness of others was my happiness.
5. I just thought beggars were very very unfortunate people who deserved to get money from others for survival. Just like I was thinking that socialism was not bad.
6. I was thinking that inefficiency is all right as long as a person is good natured and basically harmless.
7. I thought keeping in touch with hundreds of people was important. Though I never actually got myself to do it.
8. I felt guilty when I am doing something for my pleasure. Though that did not stop me.
9. I felt proud when doing something which I did not have a vested interest in even though I had no idea why I was doing it.
10. I was sometimes caring about people though deep inside I knew I could never care about them. Because I did not know why I shouldn’t care for them.
11. I was faking concern about things that did not concern me for the sake of sanction of others.
12. And even though I always knew concept of god was superfluous and the way to ruins, I was not clear on the why.

Then somehow, I started reading The Fountainhead and I knew this was the answer. This was right. And I started down this path. Now I don’t hesitate anymore to take a call. I actually know what I believe and why.

Dilemma

It’s another of the thousands of unsuspecting Sunday mornings passing by me.  The plan is to study an approximate of 10 hours so that I can complete a CFA subject out of the many others pending to be completed before the starting of this December. So how does that go? I wake up at 11 in the morning only to be too bored to study, I spend time on music and stuff till lunch time and then relax. Quite a messed up start for such high aspirations. Question, should I eat?

Eating is a sin now. I’ll sleep on the dining table itself if I eat my mother’s masala meat curry with steam rice. But I am too hungry. Resistance sounds really cool advising someone. But I can’t study hungry right! And I can’t study sleeping either. Maybe I’ll eat too little to get sleepy but just enough to ward off the starvation. But its Sunday, its mutton! Oh the dilemma..