Sunday, October 15, 2023

Signs of Redemption

Today, I found two guitar picks on the bed within two minutes. 
These were guitar picks that I, sort of, lost a couple of days back. Kids were around. You know. So.. 
Today, In fact, just now, I found them. Two of them. I don't know exactly how many were supposed to be there. But I know that I have found two within, like, two minutes.
If you don't understand what that means, we don't even know each other. I am sorry but no. 

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

A writers dream

That is me. An addict of a reader. 
I love stories. I'd give my right arm for a good one. 
The more far fetched, the better. 
Cliches are alright, if they work.

I will give up my day job if you give me a good one. 
I may abdicate a lot more if I find another Kingkiller! 
Don't press me, you had me at Sci-fi. 
And no more heroes please, a good villain is the good form. 

I can't write a decent story to save my life. 
Trust me I tried. Well and deep I tried. 
I don't have the vocabulary, you know. 
Maybe it is creativity too. 
But fuck it. I will say it. Laziness. 

But sign me up to be a sucker for your brand new expirement. 
Yessir, ready to dig in. 
I will give up me life, aye.
Pour it into your imagination. 
I will give my life up. 
So I can live the one you built up for me! 

Friday, June 2, 2023

Art is dying

This happened. For real.
I wrote down my daily meditation and fed it to "you know who" 
Asked it to "make it better." It did. 
Ok. I know it does this. It has enough grammar and patience to make it better. That is what good assistants do. No harm done. Very useful these "digital tools". 

Then I had to, for fuck's sake really, ask it to "write a poem about it". 

Worst mistake of my life. Because not only did it do it. It wrote something I would never have. So good that it was not just a matter of time and editing and "contemplating" with a beer in my hand, that I would come up with something so good. No. This shit was out of my league. I mean, I know I haven't won awards. But that fact always had a feeling of "..yet". You have to take my word for it. I am decent you know, and I know when something is real good. 

This. Was. Good. 
It was so good that I won't post it here. It was so good that I copied it into my journal anyways. It was so good that it is threatening to de-motivate me from writing poems. As if that is required, to be fair. 

But it is not fun. Because if my son turns out to be as lazy as me - he has all the signs - he won't bother going to the trouble of getting his heart broken by a silly girl so that he could write a tragic poem about it. He will ask the godamn "you know who" to, please, write a "unique poem" about "a broken heart" so that he can post it to insta with a sunset background or whatever. 

And it will. Which is crazy and scary. It will, and it will be so unique that there is no way any human can come up with something so unique. It will be beautiful also, trust me. And my son won't write something so good if he has a thousand years to romance a hundred girls and lose them all. No - he will be lucky to get a grammatically correct email out until after he turns 34.

Art will be dead. Maybe not with me - I still know its value. But surely my son and my niece won't. Or their sons. Or theirs. I only wish they all do, if that is all they ever do. 

Saturday, February 18, 2023

All those who wander...

All those who wander are not lost

those who wander have their reasons

All those who blunder need not cry

there is still time before they die


All that is dark is not so bad

it is the birthplace of strength and resolution

All that is lonely is not so sad

there are those among us who are still glad


You may have been born in winter

darkness may have been your home so far

There is a heart yet that was born in that cold

but it needs to be roused awake and not just told

.............


See. I can still write. And rhyme as well. At least partly. At least badly.

When you sit to write once every six months, this is what happens. The act of writing itself becomes the subject matter.


For example, I did not generate the above stanzas with ChatGPT. It would have produced something of far better quality and that’s how you know. Exactly then, why do we write when it can do it for us? 


Qs: What exactly is there to write about? Poetry? About emotions? About fictional stories? Real ones? What's the point really? What are we going to write here that is unique enough compared to all that has already been written, that it is still worth writing about? And we need not even start down the set of questions starting with “Why..”


Which is why I do not write enough these days. At least that is the first bump as I get started on this road. It is only a bump, as you are well aware with all your wisdom. But it is enough of a bump and the road looks to be sloping down from here on and my bike is not good enough to handle the curves. There are dead ends which need good brakes and there are ditches which need to be avoided. And there needs to be an excellent destination to arrive at, and beautiful scenery along the way to make the whole effort worthwhile. My bike is not good enough to do all that. At least, it hasn’t been tested enough. In other words, I am not a good enough writer. 


And guess what, I have too many things to do to bother with improving the bike by the means of training and testing it. In other words, I am lazy.


Well, I stop at the first bump. I have enough reasons to. And there are sinister impulses deep in my psyche that I won’t ever give voice to, but they find these reasons - these questions - very good to hide behind. They get to do more fun things when they can steal time and energy from other tasks. Fun things like being lazy. Or other even more fun things like consuming - not just food and drinks.


You see, producing is hard. Producing something worth sharing or beholding is really hard. But consuming - that is so easy. Easy enough to do it all the time. Abundant enough to be able to keep doing it for eternity.


A thousand anyways' and whatevers later, another draft of pointless paragraphs lies herein that won’t be worked towards anything worth publishing. Another “post” that will remain unfinished and forgotten in this dark folder full of unfinished and forgotten posts. This folder is slowly becoming forbidden too, as its dominant smell slowly turns into guilt rather than potential. It should not be allowed to. 


One would think I’d be foolish if I allowed it to degrade to that degree. Only time will tell, and the answer probably lies in how long it takes for it to tell.