Running out of years

I am improving. I am like running inventory; new stuff comes in and washes over the old one every couple of months. I learn new things. The old me, me a few months old, was a joke, an impressionist, a learner, a trial or error phase, a dreamer, a work in progress. Unsurprisingly, the present me is the same. A bit improved nonetheless. And the future me isn't going to be a finished product either. I hope not. I hope to have something to aspire to until I die. Or I will die soon.

In this cycle, I've lost count of all the new years passing through me, all the birthday wishes I couldn't care less about, all the pages in the calendar torn away. They matter only when I need to use them as an excuse to party like an animal or lament all my losses lamely, or to recollect and keep track of the near past, count my gains and write-off the losses.

It was a big year, I wonder, every year from now on had better be a big one. I got the break I wanted, my brother got married whether he wanted or not, my parents are satisfied – temporarily. People left, new ones came. And I, at last, came into my groove. The past few months, things are looking up, I am getting productive, less distracted, caring less about people whom I shouldn't have noticed in the first place. News is, my philosophy is not a beta version anymore, I've passed the pilot phase.  Now I have a functional philosophy, with which I can get things done. I have the reasoning now to justify my actions and the confidence not to feel the need to justify. I can deal with stuff now. I am not afraid to fail. I will try different things, I will fall. I have the confidence now to get up and try again without being weary at staring eyes. Or that is the idea at least. 

I am learning to live, despite all the warnings, I will continue to do so. Existentialism happened, just like Objectivity happened, Atheism was a distant basic and many phases passed by. If I am not questioning something these days, I am probably not bothered about it. Who knows where this exploration will leave me when the dust settles. Again, I hope it never settles.